


in the shadows of the red lands

by SparklyWitch



Series: beneath the earth [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Genderbending, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26339617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklyWitch/pseuds/SparklyWitch
Summary: Jim and Sarek got out.Somehow, it doesn't make things any easier.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Winona Kirk, James T. Kirk/Sarek, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: beneath the earth [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1787887
Comments: 114
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

The ship’s infirmary is a little small and cramped, one glance around the room enough to suppose that the medical equipment’s seen better days, some of it obviously in dire need of being replaced. Random passengers come and go at various times, most of them only needing to be tended to by a nurse before going back to their cabins, entirely oblivious to the gigantic secret that’s hidden right under their noses.

Winona scarcely recognizes the young woman lying unconscious on the bed.

Her delicate figure. The soft curves of her round face. The paleness of her skin that has been deprived of sunlight for far too long. Jim looks like a doll on the verge of breaking, not the absolute force of nature Winona has always known her to be.

A year.

A whole year left to rot in that miserable facility, waiting for a rescue that arrived far too late.

Winona feels the now familiar waves of guilt crash over her, threatening to pull her under. Jim had counted on her, had managed to contact her even from that golden cage she was trapped in, and it still took Winona endless days to trace the garbled signal back to Tarsus IV, then even longer to pinpoint the exact location as she searched what seemed to be every inch of that painfully familiar planet.

Perhaps their family is cursed. Why else would Jim be forcefully thrown back into her own personal hell, twenty years after she had first been rescued from one of the worst bloodbaths known in The Federation’s history? 

Winona had failed her then. She’s failed her now. Sometimes it feels like she’s spent her entire life failing her loved ones.

Footsteps approach her hesitantly. She doesn’t turn around to face her interlocutor, unwilling to tear her gaze from the sight of her sleeping daughter, even for a second.

“I’ve got her test results back,” Doctor M’Benga tells her. “Nothing alarming to report, but Captain Kirk suffers from a severe vitamin deficiency due to the… unusual living conditions she and the Ambassador were found in. We’ve already given her the necessary injections to increase her Vit D levels and boost her immune defenses.”

“That’s good,” Winona hears herself answer absentmindedly, itching to press the palm of her hand against Jim’s cheek, feel the warmth radiating off of her.

“The Ambassador’s still asking to see her,” M’Benga says.

“Tell him he can wait,” Winona shots back easily. Something about that man rubs her the wrong way and she doesn’t want him anywhere near Jim right now.

“He’s as much of a victim as your daughter is, Winona,” M’Benga points out disapprovingly. “You can’t hold him responsible for his son’s actions. It’s—…”

“If you say ‘ _illogical’_ , I swear I’ll scream,” Winona warns him.

M’Benga is unimpressed by her attitude, that much is clear, but to Winona’s relief, he doesn’t press the issue any further. “I’m surprised Mister Spock isn’t here,” he says instead.

“He’s… got his own stuff to deal with,” Winona answers vaguely.

Probably with Sarek, trying to reconcile with the idea that his father and Jim have obviously become more than simple co inmates.

Winona had been in the small monitor room with M’Benga while Spock went to get Jim and the Ambassador, uncaring of the men lying unconscious at her feet. The good doctor had tended to them patiently, sending more than one reproachful look in her direction at their poor, beaten up states. She really couldn’t have cared less. These monsters were lucky enough to be alive.

All that mattered were the various medium sized screens spread across the wall and depicting the different rooms making up Jim’s prison. At first, Winona had been too relieved to care about anything but the miraculous picture of her daughter, alive and well and finally within reach. She had touched the screens with the tip of her fingers, laughed even as she cried, feeling like some invisible power had breathed life into her dead corpse once more.

But even with a vision blurred with tears, even blinded with happiness as she had been, Winona had seen Jim’s flushed face and overall rumpled appearance and couldn’t help but note that it strangely resembled the Ambassador’s own physical state.

It had taken longer for Spock to notice. But notice he had and Winona doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the look on his face when he finally figured it out. The lost, almost vulnerable expression twisting his features as his eyes went from Jim shaking in his arms to his father watching them stoically, as if begging them to deny the undeniable truth.

A pang of pity hits Winona. What a mess.

M’Benga’s voice pulls her out of her thoughts. “You can rest for a bit, you know?”

She shakes her head. “I’m fine,” she says simply. “Do we really need to keep her under?”

M’Benga hesitates and Winona’s got her answer.

The thing is, she understands why he feels like this is a necessary course of action. After all, he’s the one Jim attacked when Winona had finally beamed the trio out.

Jim hadn’t even glanced in her mother’s direction. What she saw was a stranger holding a hypo in one hand and carrying a medical bag in the other. None of them had been prepared for the way she went utterly mad, trashing in Spock’s hold like a trapped animal and screaming so loudly that it made _Winona’s_ throat hurt.

Her chest constricts painfully. “She wasn’t prepared for you, back there,” Winona manages to croak out. “She—… She was surprised, that’s all. Thought you were the enemy. But she’ll wake up surrounded by us this time, so you don’t have to—… I just—…”

_Please, let me speak to my baby_ , she begs silently. _Let me see her eyes again. Let me hear her voice when it’s not distorted by fear and rage_.

M’Benga’s reluctance is clear. “I am of the opinion that it might be better to wait until we reach Ara’Kahr.”

“Your opinion or the Captain’s?” Winona spits out.

A long silence follows her barely concealed accusation. “That’s not fair, Winona. This is a commercial ship, not equipped for the situation we’ve forced upon them. We’re lucky enough that Parker allowed us aboard at all, especially since you know that Starfleet protocols dictate that we let the local authorities deal with—…”

“Fuck Starfleet and fuck its protocols. Taking Jim away from that godforsaken planet was the best decision to make,” Winona defends instantly, because she might be swimming in complete darkness here, but that’s the one thing she’s absolutely certain of. “It would have been worse if we had forced her to spend more time than necessary there. Trust me.”

“I do. But you also have to trust me to know what’s in the best interests of my patient for the moment,” M’Benga explains calmly. “Look, we’ll soon be reaching New Vulcan. Once we do, I’ll take her off the sedatives. She’ll be able to wake up in an environment that is less prone to stress, surrounded by people who are specialized in mind healing. After such a traumatizing ordeal, I gather she’ll need it.”

Winona scoffs. “Vulcan voodoo. Jim will never allow it.”

“Vulcan mind _healers_ ,” M’Benga repeats adamantly. “Winona, considering everything that’s happened, you can’t believe that your daughter won’t necessitate some kind of psychological monitoring.”

_For all the good it’s done her the first time around_ , she thinks bitterly, pushing back the memories of a broken little girl who had been forced to grow up far too soon.

“Is there—…” She starts. Stops to swallow hard. Then forces the words out. “Have you found any signs of physical mistreatments whatsoever?”

M’Benga instantly puts her worst fears at ease. “No. Like I said, she’s perfectly healthy.”

There’s something in his voice that makes Winona frown, makes her finally grab Jim’s wrist, the physical contact real and strong and reminding her of Jim’s miraculous presence amongst them, allowing her to finally turn her attention and fix M’Benga with a glare.

“But?” she presses.

The man sighs, finally losing the professional composure to once again become Winona’s friend, the good doctor she’s served alongside with for years and who answered her call when she begged him to come to Tarsus IV to help her rescue her newly resuscitated daughter, because she couldn’t trust anyone else to watch her back and take a look at Jim once they got her out.

Said man is now avoiding her gaze. “Wini, I don’t know how to tell you this—…”

“Just say it, Geoffrey.” Her grip on Jim’s wrist tightens as she prepares herself for the worst.

“Maybe you should sit down.”

“I don’t want to sit down, I want you to tell me what’s wrong with Jim!”

“Nothing’s wrong,” M’Benga tries to reassure her, not realizing that his clear reluctance to just tell her the truth is making things worse. “I told you, your daughter’s in good health.”

“Then what it is?”

M’Benga opens his mouth. Closes it. Pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration and lets out a very long sigh. “Okay,” he says, mostly to himself. “Okay. There’s no easy way to say this.”

Jim’s pulse is strong and steady. _She’s alive_ , Winona reminds herself once again. _She’s with me now_. _It’s okay_.

“Her results initially showed a slight anomaly, so I ran further tests just to be sure that I didn’t miss anything. They picked on a high level of HCG in her samples. It’s a hormone usually produced when—…”

“I know what it is,” Winona cuts him off with a breathless gasp. “She’s pregnant?”

She finds her answer in M’Benga’s silence.

Winona blinks disbelievingly, slowly sitting down on the edge of the bed, her hand still tightly holding onto Jim’s wrist. _Strong and steady_. “I—… Are you sure?”

Stupid question. M’Benga wouldn’t have told her anything if he had been uncertain of his findings. But still, she has to ask, has to be absolutely sure.

Her friend nods and Winona closes her eyes, rubbing her forehead wearily as the full implications of this news hit her right in the chest. _Oh, Jimmy_. 

“How far along is she?” she hears herself ask tiredly.

“11 weeks.”

Winona curses. “So she’s reaching the end of her first trimester.” And she hates herself for what she’s about to say, but she has to let the words out, has to consider all the possibilities. “She can still—… I mean, she’s still got options, right?”

M’Benga stays silent for a long moment. When he speaks again, his tone his carefully neutral. “If she’s unsatisfied with her current situation, then yes, there are a few _options_ that are still available to her.”

Winona nods, torn between relief and guilt. “Good, that’s—… That’s good.”

And it doesn’t matter anyway. What matters is that Jim’s alive, safe and sound, sleeping right next to her, the sight of her chest rising with each breath the most beautiful thing Winona’s ever seen. If she wants to keep that baby, then fine. If she wants to give it up or get rid of it, then Winona will help her. Whatever she needs. Everything. Anything.

This is Winona’s third chance with her little girl.

She’s not planning on wasting it.

* * *

True to his words, M’Benga takes Jim off the sedatives the moment they breach New Vulcan’s atmosphere. Two nurses roll the bed out of the small infirmary, making their way towards the transporter room where Jim will be directly beamed down to Ara’Kahr’s hospital.

Winona sees them when they reach their destination, father and son facing each other with nearly identical straight postures. But Spock’s form is tensed where Sarek’s is proud. In fact, the younger Vulcan looks subdued, passive even, as if the will to fight has left him entirely. Oh, he hides it well, and Winona would have probably been fooled too if she hadn’t spent the last few months getting to know him. This strange, unreadable but clearly resolute man who refused to give up on his Captain no matter what.

Hopelessness isn’t a good look on him and Winona can’t help it, her protective instincts just flare up all at once.

_I am so very sorry, Spock_.

Sarek looks up when they enter the room and immediately leaves Spock’s side to join their small group. Winona doesn’t miss the way the younger Vulcan’s eyes follow Jim’s unconscious form as they prepare her for the beam down, or how his fingers seem to twitch like he wants to reach out and has to force himself to stay still. That’s certainly a feeling Winona herself is familiar with and she has no doubts that Spock shares her nearly visceral need to touch and feel the life flowing through Jim’s body.

She comes to a decision quickly after that.

“Spock, would you mind accompanying Jim to the surface?” she asks so suddenly that it startles both father and son. “There are a few things I still need to do here and I’d feel better if you were with her.”

Sarek frowns and Winona just knows that he’s going to object. So she quickly cuts off any retort he might have, looking at Spock pleadingly.

“Please,” she adds softly. “I can’t leave her out of my sight without knowing for sure that someone’s keeping an eye on her. And I trust you.”

That seems to seal the deal. Spock casts one last glance towards Sarek before nodding his head and getting on the beaming platform, right next to the bed. His features are schooled into a carefully neutral expression, but the tenderness of his human eyes betrays him as they looked upon Jim’s sleeping form.

Winona pointedly positions herself in front of Sarek when he tries to join them. A loud “ _Energize_ ” echoes around them before the group disappears in a flash of white lights.

It’s harder to breathe properly now that Jim’s out of her reach once more, but Winona stands her ground.

When they’re finally left alone, Sarek tilts his head and watches her carefully. Winona watches him right back. Physically, he looks a lot like his son. But Spock’s features have softness to them that is non-existent in his father, his eyes kind where Sarek’s are stern and calculating. She doesn’t know if that difference is due to Spock’s human side, or if Winona’s distrust of the Ambassador is twisting her judgment, but in either case, the thought of Jim being left alone with this man for so long doesn’t sit well with her.

It’s a gut feeling. She can’t explain it.

Sarek is the one who breaks the stalemate between them. “I understand that as James’ mother, you wish to preserve her from any elements which might be perceived as a threat to her well-being.” The tone of his voice is as cold as the rest of him. “However, I request that you cease your attempts to keep me away from her side.”

“Why? Because you got my daughter pregnant?”

The silence that follows her declaration is long and tensed. Sarek doesn’t exactly freeze on the spot, but something strangely resembling unease crosses through his black eyes.

“It is unfortunate that we could not announce the news ourselves,” he says at last. “But perhaps you are now in a better position to understand why it is imperative that I stay with her. I shall provide her with the emotional support that she needs, as I have done for the past 11.7 months,” he adds a little pointedly, as if Winona needed any reminding of her failings as a mother. “I am not the enemy, Mrs Kirk.”

“I don’t know who you are,” Winona grits out between her teeth. “I don’t know _you_. So until Jim wakes up and tells me exactly _what_ you are to her, I’m going to have to ask you to keep your distances.”

“You cannot be so ignorant as to the cruel nature of your demands,” Sarek protests sternly. “James has accepted me as her companion and we are expecting our first child together. I will not allow you to punish us both out of a desire to ascertain your failed authority as a parent.”

Winona blinks incredulously at that. “Well, screw you too,” she ends up saying. “You’re not exactly in running for the ‘ _father of the year_ ’ award now, are you?”

Sarek doesn’t take the bait. “To believe that my absence would be in James’ best interests is illogical. Do not allow your inexplicable animosity towards my person to interfere with her needs.”

Winona bites back a bitter retort at that. “I’ll let you know if she asks for you,” she settles on sharply.

Sarek bristles. “You have no right—…”

“I’m her mother,” she cuts him off coldly. “I have every right.”

“You are making a mistake,” the Vulcan insists, showing the first signs of frustration.

Maybe she is. Winona certainly has no idea what took place between Jim and Sarek during all those months spent together alone, if Jim really found some comfort in the Vulcan’s presence or if this pregnancy is the result of a mistake she had no way of rectifying while being stuck underground. Be as it may, she can’t seem to forget the way Jim held onto Spock like her life depended on it. The horror on her face when her eyes had met Sarek’s. 

Winona’s not blind to her own faults, she knows that she doesn’t have a good record when it comes to protecting Jim. But offering her daughter a few precious moments of peace and quiet in the chaos? Giving her the opportunity to finally let herself _be_ without any expectations whatsoever before she has to face harsh reality of the universe once more?

That is something that Winona can do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy your reading!

Jim has to fight her way back to consciousness.

She loses that battle more than once, her thoughts never really managing to take on a clear aspect before they completely ebb away and she slips back into the oblivion of sleep. Her world is a mix of colors and darkness, illusions and reality becoming one. She hears voices that seem to come from miles away and while she never really recognizes them, one in particular makes her want to fight harder, makes her reach out blindly towards its source with weak movements. At some point, she thinks she feels a touch on her wrist, warm and reassuring—…

_“—Captain, can you hear me—“_

_“—still under the effects of the sedatives—… fighting them off—… calm down Spock—”_

“ _—should have regained consciousness—…incorrect dose—_ ”

…—but like everything else, the sensation fades away, too quick to truly be registered.

Could be seconds, minutes, hours, but eventually Jim manages to open her eyes – _god, why do her eyelids feel so heavy_ — and focus on the outside world. Smells of cleaning products and sanitizers and meds, those are what hit her first. Familiar yet not, because they might as well be exotic flagrances to Jim now. They tickle her nose, a first warning there to remind her that something’s wrong. 

Slowly, she regains control of the rest of her senses. Touch. Taste. Sight. The sheets under her hands are made from a different fabric than those she’s used too. Her mouth is dry, itching for a glass of water. Her vision is blurry, only allowing her to discern undistinguishable forms hovering around her.

This isn’t her room. Or Sarek’s.

_Sarek_.

It’s the one thought that fills Jim with enough fear to make her try to get up. She calls for him. More than once. Probably each time her dazed mind teases the edges of consciousness. On one of those times, she thinks she feels a pair of hands gently pushing against her shoulder to keep her from writhing too much.

She grabs one of those hands, digs her nails into the skin, deep enough to draw blood, and hears an answering hiss coming from her right. Still, whoever is touching her right now doesn’t let go.

From the other side of the bed, a woman’s talking. “It’s alright, Jimmy. You’re safe now.”

Jim shakes her head. She doesn’t want useless platitudes, she wants—

“Sarek—… Where’s Sarek?” The grip on her shoulders loosens and she manages to pull away completely, falling to her side on the rumpled sheets. “What have you done to him?”

A touch on her forehead, gentle and reassuring. “Nothing, the Ambassador is alright, I promise,” that same feminine voice assures her. For some reason, Jim believes her.

But it’s still not enough. “—want to see him—…” Her words are nothing more than a quiet mutter that she can barely articulate. God, even her mouth feels like it’s made of lead, too heavy to move properly. Still, the fear gripping her heart at the Vulcan’s absence gives her the strength to insist. “—let me see him—“

“You will, I promise, you just need to calm—… _Hey_! Where are you going?”

There’s a clicking noise, like a door shutting close. The mysterious woman lets out a curse, then Jim feels two arms envelop her shoulders comfortingly.

“No,” she splutters in protest, feeling dizzy and so goddamn weak. “Don’t touch me.”

But the woman doesn’t let go. “Jimmy, it’s me. It’s Winona. Can you focus on my voice, honey?”

That makes Jim stop, brows furrowing in confusion.

“That’s it.” The woman sounds relieved. “Focus on my voice, baby.”

It’s like coming out of a thick, grey fog clouding her perception. Jim blinks to clear her vision until the blurry forms around her sharpen into something more recognizable. Long blonde locks put into a messy ponytail. Warm brown eyes that gaze upon Jim like she’s the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen. Slowly, the mysterious woman sitting by her bedside becomes heart wrenchingly familiar.

Lump in her throat, Jim lifts a shaky hand to her mother’s wet cheek. “Mom?”

Eyes shining, Winona Kirk lets out a small, joyful laugh.

* * *

Jim doesn’t really register anything after that. Not falling into Winona’s opened arms with a broken cry, or holding onto her with every bit of strength she has left, or burying her face into the crook of Winona’s neck, none of it. She feels like a child, desperately seeking protection in her mother’s warm embrace, waiting for her to slay the demons that have haunted Jim for too long now.

“Sybok,” she reveals, in a voice half choked with tears that she stubbornly refuses to shed. “Mom, it was Sybok. Sarek’s son. He’s the one who did this to us, he—…”

“I know,” Winona hushes her soothingly. “I know, baby. It’s okay.”

God, she smells so good. A familiar scent of rosemary invades Jim’s senses as she presses her face further into Winona’s shoulder, inhaling deeply. Despite her best efforts, a few tears still slide down her cheeks, wetting Winona’s shirt in the process. Damnit.

“You’re really here,” Jim croaks out shakily.

Winona holds her tighter. Her voice is weak and uneven. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Jim breathes heavily, inhaling and exhaling in a controlled rhythm, trying to regain some semblance of composure.

“Where’s Sybok?” She asks once she’s certain she’s not going to fall apart.

“Gone,” Winona says regretfully. “But don’t worry, they’ve sent a team after him. The universe isn’t big enough for that coward to hide after what he’s done.”

The news isn’t as upsetting at it should be. Or maybe Jim is still a little bit in shock. It’s hard to really register anything past Winona’s protective arms, an irrefutable proof that her mother’s found her and that she’s free.

All the rest can wait. Except maybe for one thing.

“Where did you find us?”

A pause. Then Winona presses her cheek a little harder against Jim’s temple.

« Tarsus. »

Jim freezes.

“I don’t think Sybok knew the significance of that planet,” Winona says uneasily, a poor attempt at comfort.

“No,” Jim agrees numbly. “The universe is just that fucked up.” She takes a deep breath. Pulls away from Winona’s arms, steeling herself for what is to come. « Tell me. » Her voice comes out strong and firm. A Captain’s voice.

And so Winona does.

Jim learns that after their abduction in the Vulcan Embassy, Starfleet had sent the Enterprise to follow their trails across the universe. It had taken them near the Klingon border, on a small planet called _Serola III_ where Spock had led a rescue team into what they had believed to be the place Jim and Sarek were being kept captive.

Something had gone wrong. They found a carbonized body that, according to the DNA tests they did back then, turned out to be _her_. No traces of Sarek anywhere.

As easily as that, Jim Kirk was dead and Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan disappeared from the face of the universe.

“In retrospect, their plan makes a lot of sense,” Winona points out. “They couldn’t fake the Ambassador’s death, not as long as his son was alive and could still feel their parental bond. You were another matter altogether. And with you out of the picture, they also got Starfleet off their backs.”

“There would still have been an investigation,” Jim says.

Resentment flashes through Winona’s eyes. “The Vulcan authorities were still actively searching for the Ambassador, so Starfleet let them handle that part,” she says bitterly.

Jim takes the news like a slap in the face. So much for being Starfleet’s golden girl. “Am I dead?” she asks shakily before clearing her throat. “Legally, I mean?”

“No,” Winona shakes her head. “You should be, but Commander Spock fought it tooth and nails. Kept coming up with different reasons to delay the procedure. The fool was convinced that the body found on the scene was a decoy and that you were still out there somewhere.”

Jim swallows hard, welcoming the familiar surge of guilt like an old friend as her insides twist painfully. She doesn’t even ask if Spock was part of the operation to retrieve Sarek. There’s no need to. But if Starfleet had withdrawn themselves from the investigations, then that can only mean one thing.

Her voice is quiet and sad. “He resigned his commission, didn’t he?”

Winona blinks, surprised. “He did. You were his priority.”

“His father was a priority,” Jim protests, a little embarrassed and avoiding Winona’s skeptical gaze.

But even as she says it, she knows it’s not true. Jim’s always known that Spock would never stop fighting for her. The first few months after their abduction, there were days where her sanity had depended upon that knowledge, that deep rooted belief that Spock was out there, searching for them, _for her_ , and that he wouldn’t rest until they were rescued.

In the space of a few agonizing moments, all she can feel is Spock’s strong arms wrapped around her. The joy illuminating his face. The closeness of their bodies that felt as natural as breathing. Jim experiences it all like she’s back in the bunker, reliving their reunion.

All gone now.

“Jim?” Winona sounds worried.

“I’m fine.” Her mother thankfully pretends that she can’t hear the tremors in Jim’s voice. “Okay, so we were on Tarsus. Where exactly did they keep us? Was it near the capital?”

Winona isn’t oblivious to her sudden change of attitude. Still, she makes no comment on it, answering Jim’s query instead. “No. They picked a pretty isolated location near _Pryism_.”

Jim’s brows furrow in concentration. “That’s an agricultural area, isn’t it?”

“It is. Sparsely populated with plenty of farming lands. The facility where you were kept was divided in 3 parts. One on the surface, the rest underground. All Sybok had to do was put one of his men as a landowner to sell the illusion. The farm was a perfect cover; no one was going to bat an eye at the presence of an old Vulcan who wanted to move away from the tragedy that had impacted his planet. The people there, they…” Winona hesitates, considering her words carefully. “They understand the need to have a fresh start.”

Jim feels numb. “I’ll bet,” she says quietly.

Winona pushes a strand of hair behind Jim’s ear. Jim closes her eyes at the gentle contact. “For all intent and purposes, the man they had placed to supervise the propriety played no part in your imprisonment. He was only tasked with providing the supplies to those who were really in charge of the whole operation, but had next to no contact with them. None that we managed to pick up on anyway. It’s part of the reason it took us so long to find you. We knew the message you had sent came from Tarsus, but we had no way of tracing its exact location. ”

That doesn’t make any sense. “Then how did you know where to look?”

Winona smiles a little mysteriously. “Let’s just say you have a very efficient First Officer.”

Jim frowns, the right pieces of information clicking together effortlessly in her mind. “He used the parental bond he shares with Sarek?”

Winona nods. “That’s what I was led to believe anyway. It acted as a sort of really imprecise GPS; the closer we were getting to you, the more active the bond would feel to him. I can’t even begin to explain to you how that worked, Jimmy. You’d have to ask him yourself.”

That innocent comment makes Jim bite her lips and, finally, she can’t keep her curiosity in check any longer. “Where is he?”

There’s a slight hesitation in the silence following her question. It’s clear that Winona has no idea how to respond and that alone gives Jim an answer. 

Her eyes drop to her hands. The tips of her fingers are tainted with faint traces of green. It looks like dried blood.

Does Spock know? Has anyone told him about her pregnancy? Did Sarek say anything to him while she was unconscious? Is that why he’s not here right now?

_Later_ , Jim tells herself, even though it feels like her chest is being ripped apart. _I’ll think about it later_.

For now, she still has so many questions. Winona said that Spock had known where to look thanks to the parental bond he shares with Sarek. But if that’s the case, then shouldn’t it have worked both ways? How could Sarek not have felt his son getting closer? Shouldn’t he have sensed their link becoming more active as the days went on?

_He probably would have if he had been paying attention to it_ , Jim thinks bitterly. But that’s not really fair, is it? She never really cared to know what the distance and isolation were doing to Sarek’s mind. Had all his familial bonds gone dormant at some point? Is that why he would spend so much time meditating back in the bunker? Was he trying to keep his mind from falling apart?

Jim had never thought to ask him about any of it.

“It must have been so hard for him,” she whispers to herself.

Winona makes an inquisitive sound. “Who? Spock?”

“No,” Jim denies, then feels guilty because _of course_ it must have also been hard for Spock and she didn’t mean to imply otherwise or—…

God, she can’t even think properly.

Rubbing her brows tiredly, Jim sighs. “It doesn’t matter. So you ended up finding this strange Vulcan?”

Winona looks at her weirdly, but answers anyway. “We did. For a man who led such a simple, humble farmer’s life, he had an incredibly efficient security system settled around his propriety. It caught our attention.”

Jim nods absentmindedly. A Vulcan hermit may have been able to blend with the locals who didn’t know any better, but to Winona and Spock, his existence must have been akin to a big red beacon.

“It wasn’t hard to recognize the cover for what it was,” Winona continues. “We stayed low and observed him for a few days to see if he would lead us to you on his own, but that man seemed determined to never leave his house unless he was absolutely forced to.”

A few days?

It’s so stupid, that this innocent remark should hit her more painfully than the rest of Winona’s explanation. After all, they did the right thing. Information gathering is vital in these sorts of operations and jumping into a rescue mission without it is nothing short of disastrous. Suicidal, even.

But Jim can’t help but remember how differently time worked in the bunker, each hour akin to an endless and excruciating eternity. It became worse after she managed to send that message to Winona, her excitement slowly turning into hopelessness, beating her into the ground until it felt like she was never going to be able to get up again.

She had waited, searched, prayed for a sign, any sign to show her that the torture she had been enduring for months was finally coming to an end, and she had gotten _nothing_.

To think that while she was going through all of that, Winona and Spock had been out there, within reach, and made the choice not to intervene instead of bashing that man's head against the nearest wall and _forcing_ him to tell what he knew...

Jim doesn’t know what gives her away exactly, but Winona suddenly looks desolate. “We had to find a way to neutralize their security system first, Jimmy. We didn’t know how deep the operation ran and the risk that your captors would kill you or transfer you elsewhere if they suspected an intrusion was too big.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” Jim says quietly. “I understand.” And she does.

It just hurts, that’s all.

Winona lets out a relieved breath, taking Jim’s hand in hers. “Eventually, we realized that we’d only get the information we needed by force from the Vulcan in charge of the farm himself. Entering the perimeter was too risky, so we waited until he had to go on a supply run and cornered him then.” A snort escapes her. “Asshole nearly cut Spock’s hands off.” There’s a fondness in her expression that rubs Jim the wrong way.

_Stop being so ridiculous, Kirk. Not everyone is as fucked up as you are_.

Winona continues, oblivious to Jim’s inner struggles. “Like I said, he didn’t know much, but based on the amount of supplies he’d been meaning to send to your captors, we figured there wouldn’t be many people standing in our way. The rest was just a matter of precise timing, deactivating their security system and intervening fast enough after that to take Sybok’s men by surprise. ”

Pig’s face flashes through Jim’s mind. “How many?”

“Less than a dozen. Nothing Spock and I couldn’t handle. They’ve already been arrested by the local authorities, but I gather New Vulcan is going to ask for their extraditions soon.”

Jim ponders on that new piece of information for a moment. “There could have been a small army waiting for you down there,” she then admonishes quietly.

Winona shrugs. “There wasn’t.”

“But there could have been,” Jim insists with a point of inexplicable frustration. “It was a needless risk.”

“It was a calculated one,” Winona shoots back. “We weren’t going to leave you to rot in that hell longer than necessary.”

Jim doesn’t even know why she feels so upset, especially since barely a few seconds ago she had been hurt over Winona and Spock’s decision to delay the actual rescue in order to gather information first. Her thoughts are a mess, absolutely chaotic, and she needs—…

She needs to talk to Sarek.

“Where’s Sarek?” Jim asks abruptly. “I want to see him.”

Winona’s reluctance is clear, if a little incomprehensible. “Last time I checked, he was being cleared by the doctors and discharged from the hospital.”

That doesn’t sound right. “He wouldn’t have left without talking to me first.”

“You’ve been unconscious for a long time, Jimmy.”

“He wouldn’t have left without me,” Jim insists, realizing a little too late all she’s given away with that one sentence.

Winona looks downright irritated now and Jim watches her as she make an evident effort to keep quiet, turning her face away in what is certainly an attempt to keep Jim from seeing the distaste twisting her features.

She observes Winona for a long moment, trying to understand her apparent dislike for a man who might as well be a stranger to her.

“It wasn’t his fault, you know,” Jim ends up saying simply. “Sarek may not be showing it, but he suffered as much as I did.”

Winona’s tone is carefully neutral. “I never implied otherwise.”

Okay, now Jim’s the one who’s a little bit irritated. “Did you say something to him?” she asks suspiciously. “Is that why he’s not here?”

Winona’s silence is telling enough and Jim sighs, rubbing her forehead wearily. Her headache’s getting worse.

“Lay off of him, Winona,” she says tiredly. “He’s important to me and it would make things so much easier if you two could get along.”

Her mother wants to protest, that much is obvious, but instead she presses her mouth into a thin line, keeping her objections to herself. Jim doesn’t think she’s ever seen her hold back the way she’s doing right now, trying to take a more diplomatic approach instead of bulldozing her way into the thick of things the way she usually does. Jim takes after her in that sense. Only right now, she lacks the energy necessary to go head to head with her mother and that’s something Winona thankfully seems to understand.

But just because she won’t push, doesn’t mean she’ll stay silent. And clearly, there’s another matter Winona wishes to discuss with Jim.

“Jim, about your… situation.”

Jim’s immediately on guard. “No,” she says.

“We need to talk about your options,” Winona insists.

“We really don’t.”

“Honey, if the Ambassador pressured you in any way…”

“Oh my God,” Jim breathes out, finally seeing Winona’s clear distaste for Sarek in a new, incredibly mortifying light. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Winona bristles, defensive. “Well, you can’t blame me for—…”

“Sarek didn’t _force_ himself on me, Mom, what the fuck?”

“How exactly was I supposed to—…”

“—I’m a grown ass woman—…”

“—so much older than you are, old enough to be your—…”

“—sorry to tell you that you daughter is sexually active—…”

“—strange and emotionless and not the kind of man who—…”

“—you have _no idea_ what kind of man I could be attracted to, you _don’t know me_ —…”

“—and I thought you and the commander were—…”

“ _No_ ,” Jim snaps so sharply that it freezes Winona in the middle of her next argument. “Don’t you fucking dare, Winona.”

The silence that follows is so tensed, it might as well be suffocating. Winona is the one who looks away first.

“Okay,” she says pacifyingly. “I’m sorry. I crossed a line.”

_You’re fucking right you did_.

Jim bites her lower lip to keep those resentful words silent. The thing is, she can’t blame her mother for her burning curiosity and desire for answers, just like she knows she’s going to have to talk about her little problem anyway and really think about the future now that she’s out and—…

God, she’s out. She’s really out.

She closes her eyes and swallows the lump in her throat. “This is really happening, isn’t it?” She’s not talking about her miraculous rescue.

Winona still understands, though, and she rubs the back of Jim’s hand in a comforting gesture. “Yes,” is all she says.

Jim breathes in deeply, then slowly exhales to ease her anxiety. It helps. Some.

“I didn’t plan for this to happen,” she explains softly, gesturing to her stomach. “Neither did Sarek. But you need to understand that we only had each other down there, and then one thing led to another and we just –…” She stops and shakes her head, not knowing how to even begin to explain the strange bond that links her to the Vulcan. “Everything that happened between us in that bunker was consensual.”

Winona considers her explanation silently, then asks the one question Jim has no idea how to answer, even after all this time. “Do you love him?”

Jim drops her gaze, playing with the fabric of the sheets. “He loves me.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Jim’s heart tightens painfully in her chest. She opens her mouth, closes it again.

“I told you, he’s important to me,” she finally settles on, hoping that it’ll be enough for Winona.

Mercifully, her mother accepts her answer for now, even if she clearly doesn’t like it. “Alright. I trust you. Do you want me to call him?”

Jim snorts. “Obviously, you don’t think I should.”

To Winona’s credit, she doesn’t try to pretend otherwise, nor does she look away from Jim as she says her next words. “No, I don’t.” Her tone softens. “Or maybe I’m being selfish and I just want to keep you to myself a little while longer.”

Jim’s lips curl into a small, but genuine smile. Still, her unease at Sarek’s absence is too overwhelming for her to simply ignore it, no matter how much she wants too. She needs to ask, at least one last time.

“Promise me that he’s fine.”

Winona sighs. “I promise, Jimmy. You friend is perfectly healthy and probably on his way to the Vulcan Council as we speak.”

_Friend_. What a strange way to describe their relationship when it doesn’t even begin to encompass everything they’ve become to one another.

“I believe you,” Jim says decidedly. She clears her throat, deliberately turning her back to Winona and shutting her eyes firmly. “I’m going to rest for a little bit now, okay?”

It’s not an invitation to leave and Winona doesn’t take it as such, seeming to understand Jim’s desperate craving for a short respite. She doesn’t want to hear about the ongoing investigation or Sybok’s disappearance right now, doesn’t want to talk of her pregnancy, doesn’t want to deal with Sarek and Winona’s feud, she just—…

She wants the world to stop moving for just a few minutes.

An additional weight dips into the mattress next to her head. The next moment, Jim feels a gentle touch on her forehead, long fingers sliding tenderly in her blond locks. She stills, then leans into the contact with a whine stuck in her throat, turning around and wrapping her arm around Winona’s waist and allowing her mother to temporarily take her burdens off her shoulders.

“Whatever you decide,” Winona says softly. “I’ll support you. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some answers!
> 
> This chapter didn't really turn out the way I expected it to, and it got really LONG, so I had to cut it in half at some point. I do realize that there are still some blanks left to fill regarding Jim's abduction, and I'll get a little more into that as we move forward in the story. But the main focus of this chapter is clearly Jim and Winona's reunion.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your continuous support. I half expected this story to be forgotten by the time I finally started on the second part, and I'm really happy to see that it's not the case :)


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the day passes in a blur.

Nurses come and go to check on her vitals and, each time, Jim has to force herself to stay still and let them do their job. They’re not the enemy, something she’s struggling to remember. Thankfully, Winona’s there throughout it all, a constant and strong presence by her side, the solid grip of her hand enough to anchor Jim and keep her centered.

Jim’s also introduced to Doctor Geoffrey M’Benga, an old friend of Winona’s who had taken part in the rescue mission and ended up being nearly mauled for his efforts.

“I’m so sorry,” she apologizes, beyond embarrassed and vaguely remembering the way she’d savagely tried to attack the poor man.

The doctor’s smile is gentle and encouraging. He wears a white uniform so immaculate that he seems to shine and illuminate the already bright room even more. Truthfully, the sight hurts Jim’s eyes.

“It’s quite alright, Captain,” M’Benga says. “Given the situation and the trauma you’ve endured, I cannot blame you for the defense mechanism my presence undoubtedly triggered back at the facilities.”

_He speaks like a Vulcan_ , Jim realizes with no small amount of surprise. And yet, M’Benga’s tone is warm enough to turn the cold and clinical words into a soothing reassurance. In some ways, he reminds Jim of Spock.

Not for the first time, her chest tightens painfully with the Vulcan’s absence. Spock still hasn’t come by to check on her, hasn’t even tried to contact her and, considering her mother’s less than subtle frustration and the numerous glares she’s been throwing at her silent communicator, hasn’t been responding to Winona’s calls either.

But he had been there at some point, of that Jim is certain. She vaguely remembers hearing his voice as she struggled to wake up, holding onto hands that clearly hadn’t been Winona’s. So what exactly had finally pushed Spock over the edge and convinced him to bail? Had it been the news of her relationship with Sarek? The pregnancy? The way she kept calling for his father even half unconscious?

God, she’s terrified of even asking. Because as much as she craves for Spock’s presence, Jim can’t deny that a part of her is relieved by his absence. She wouldn’t even know what to tell him, how to even begin to explain her relationship with his father and the life they’ve created together. Just the thought of all that information simply ripping mercilessly into Spock makes her sick in the stomach, bile rising so abruptly up her throat that she can’t help but lean forward and press a fist to her mouth, desperately trying to keep it all inside.

Winona’s instantly alert. “You okay, kiddo?” She rubs Jim’s back soothingly.

She nods awkwardly, breathing in deeply through her nose. “I’m fine.”

Looking up from her medical files, M’Benga tilts his head and observes her curiously. “Are you feeling nauseous, Captain?” He comes closer and pulls out a tricorder seemingly out of nowhere, examining her with it. “NVP usually lasts through the tenth week of pregnancy, but it’s not uncommon for some women to experience it even longer. Do they occur often in your case?”

“No, not really,” Jim mumbles under her breath. She figures the good doctor doesn’t need to know that this particular type of nausea has nothing to do with her condition.

“If I may,” he starts hesitantly, looking extremely awkward for a short moment before regaining countenance. “Am I correct to assume that Ambassador Sarek is the father?”

“Geoffrey!” Winona scolds him angrily. “You can’t be serious.”

M’Benga lifts his hands in the universal peaceful gesture. “I’m sorry, Winona, but I have to ask. In a case of interspecies procreation, we have to be certain of the identity of the genitor in order to monitor the pregnancy correctly.”

Jim’s jaw drops. “I—… Didn’t Sarek already tell you that we—…” she trails off, unable to get the words out.

M’Benga nods uneasily. “He did. However, I would prefer to have the information confirmed by you to avoid any future confusion.”

This time, there’s no hiding the resentment marring her voice. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we weren’t exactly drowning in a crowd down there. That party was only held for two. So, yes, I’m pretty sure that Sarek’s the only one I’ve been sexually involved with these past few months.”

To his credit, the doctor doesn’t try to avoid her accusing glare, facing her ire with regretful but unwavering eyes. “Alright,” he says simply. “Quite frankly, Captain… natural conception should have been impossible, let alone sustaining the embryo long enough to reach the fetal period without medical help.” He shakes his head, looking truly amazed. “There was one chance in a billion. It is extraordinary.”

“Haven’t you heard?” Jim mutters bitterly. “I tend to beat the odds.”

Winona takes her hand without a word, holding on tight. Jim feels her blazing anger melting away at the touch, turning into plain irritation instead.

“Okay,” Jim says more reasonably, willing to hear him out. “What does it mean, exactly?”

M’Benga sighs. “It means that you’ve singlehandedly defied the laws of genetics and accomplished a miracle.” Jim snorts and M’Benga leans forward, intent. “However, and I must insist, your body will not be able to carry to term on its own. If it is your wish to terminate this pregnancy, then that is still very much possible and we can talk about your options. But if you wish to proceed with it, then I recommend that we immediately prepare you for surgery in order to remove the fetus and allow a team of physicians specialized in chemical engineering to alter the baby’s genome, just enough to sustain life. Afterwards, we can start discussing the reinsertion process or, if you prefer, keep the fetus in an incubator until it’s fully developed.” 

Jim blinks back at him owlishly, feeling too stunned to properly react to the onslaught of information. It’s a good thing, though. The astonishment helps dulling the sheer terror currently trying to rip her insides apart.

Noticing her muted shock, M’Benga’s face softens. “I understand that this is a lot to take in,” he says more gently.

Next to Jim, Winona makes a disbelieving noise. “Let me get this straight, » she sounds simultaneously confused and angry.” You want to put that baby in a test tube and let a team of mad scientists play with its DNA before putting it back in Jim’s uterus? “

M’Benga looks at Winona, eyes apologetic but tone resolute. “I know how it sounds, but there is simply no other viable option. The baby’s hybrid nature will inevitably stunt its development and if we don’t intervene soon, we risk either a miscarriage or, and that is the worst case scenario, it could result in extreme complications that would ultimately prove to be life threatening for your daughter.” M’Benga turns to look at her. “I do not wish to scare you, but this is a very high risk pregnancy and you need to be prepared.”

“You’ve also said that Jim’s body should have rejected the embryo from the start, and yet it didn’t,” Winona points out stubbornly. “She’s carrying a healthy developing fetus now, shouldn’t that mean that they’re already compatible?”

M’Benga shakes his head. “The chances—…”

“Enough with the probabilities, already!” Winona interrupts him frustratingly. “According to you, this situation shouldn’t even exist in the first place and yet Jim’s still 11 weeks pregnant. It’s like you said, one chance in a billion. Can you honestly disregard the possibility that this might be a successful and natural interspecies conception?”

A tensed silence follows Winona’s question. Jim doesn’t look away from the white sheets covering her legs.

“No,” M’Benga finally sighs in defeat. “I suppose I can’t. However, it changes nothing.”

“How the hell does it change nothing?”

“Because the only way to be certain is to study the fetus’ genome, which cannot be done without the surgery. So, you see, the problem remains the same.”

“I cannot believe that with all the technology at our disposal, cutting Jim opened is the only option we’ve got here.”

“The surgery itself is simple enough, Winona. Altering the fetus’ genome is much more complicated.”

“Again, you’re not certain that this is even necessary.”

“It might as well be considering—…”

“ _Both of you, shut up_ ,” Jim interrupts them harshly.

Her voice resonates around the room, steady and strong and putting a stop to Winona and M’Benga’s endless debate. They both startle at the sound of it, looking at her in surprise.

For the first time since she’s woken up, Jim is absolutely certain of her decision. A lot of things in her life are ambiguous right now, draped in a thick veil of doubt that she can’t seem to escape, but this? This, she’s confident in.

“I need to speak with Leonard McCoy.”

M’Benga blinks, clearly not expecting this. Next to Jim, Winona sighs and runs a frustrated hand through her hair.

“Captain, I must again insist on the urgency of the situation,” M’Benga presses.

“I got the message, Doctor,” Jim says steadily. “And, please, believe me when I tell you that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. But I’ve already been poked and studied like a weird specimen for an entire year, so I think you’ll understand if I refuse to let just anyone come anywhere near my body with a scalpel.”

“Jim—…” Winona tries.

“I need someone that I can trust implicitly,” Jim says decisively. “And that’s Bones.”

“The Enterprise is out of range, Jimmy,” her mother says softly. “Has been for weeks now and we have no idea when they’ll get in contact again. By the time your friend gets your message, it might be too late.”

“I understand that.” And she does. _She does_. “I understand the risks, Mom.”

M’Benga sounds a little desperate. “If you are worried, then perhaps you could discuss it with the Ambassador and his son, as they are familiar with the nature of the procedure.”

“No.” God, just the thought of bringing Spock into this makes her very bones hurt. She can’t do this to him. She won’t. “I need Leonard McCoy. No one else.”

“Captain, please understand that the longer we wait, the more you endanger your health, as well as your baby’s. As your physician, I cannot agree with this decision.”

“I hear you, Doc’. So how about a compromise.” Jim takes a deep breath. “Give me two weeks and if I don’t manage to get into contact with McCoy by then…” She turns to look at Winona. “Then I’ll do whatever needs to be done. I promise.”

Winona looks back at her unflinchingly. Jim knows that she doesn’t agree with this decision in the least, so she appreciates her mother’s silence even more for it.

Eventually, M’Benga also complies with Jim’s demand. “Alright,” he agrees with great reluctance. “Two weeks. No more, Captain. You cannot afford it.”

Jim nods and, just like that, the conversation comes to an end. M’Benga checks her one last time with his tricorder, notes something on her files, then leaves the room with the promise that he’ll come back before the end of his shift.

The atmosphere in the room doesn’t get any less tensed with his departure.

Winona’s tone is carefully neutral. “Do you want me to notify Ambassador Sarek?”

It takes Jim a few seconds to remember that there’s still a whole world waiting for her outside of this hospital room and she looks at Winona, confused, before being hit by a wave of merciless guilt all at once.

_She’s completely forgotten about Sarek_.  
  


The throb being her eyes gets worse and Jim suppresses the urge to bury her face into her pillow, rubbing her forehead wearily instead. Of course Sarek should be notified. Hell, he probably should have been here for this conversation. This is his baby, he has the right to be present and give his input regarding the big life changing decisions, like the one she’s just made now.

But when she opens her mouth, that’s not what she ends up saying.

“No, don’t.” Jim clears her throat awkwardly, avoiding Winona’s gaze. “But can you tell him to come by tomorrow?”

“Alright,” Winona says simply. She doesn’t sound exactly enthusiastic about the idea, but at least she’s keeping her reservations to herself this time.

Jim observes her typing for a little while. “You really don’t like him, do you?”

Winona stops. “I think,” she starts carefully. “that the two of you only had each other for so long that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to function without the Ambassador.” She takes deep breath before facing Jim head on. “I also think that the best thing you can do right now is try to put some distance between you and him and just… focus on yourself for a little bit.”

“He’s the father of my kid, that might prove to be slightly difficult,” Jim can’t help but mock.

Winona presses her mouth into a thin line. “You’ve asked for my opinion.”

“You hate him,” Jim accuses her.

“I don’t trust him,” her mother answers truthfully. “But then again, I don’t know him. You do. And you’re right, your lives are intrinsically linked together now. I have to respect that.” A short moment of hesitation, then she puts her hand on Jim’s cheek. Jim doesn’t pull away from the touch. “I’m not trying to make this harder on you, Jim. I’m just worried.”

Something occurs to Jim and she can’t help but grimace at the thought, putting a tentative hand over Winona’s. Suddenly, M’Benga’s extremely indelicate question seems much more comprehensible.

After all, like any Starfleet officer, they’ve all seen their fair share of horrors over the years spent in service.

“Mom, you know that I—…” Jim stops. Clears her throat. “You know that Sarek really _is_ the father, right? Sybok is a lot of things, but there are lines that even he wouldn’t have crossed. The goal was never to hurt us, just keep us locked away for a long time. Nothing _happened_ to me.” She stresses out with a pointed look. “I wasn’t sexually abused in any way, by anyone. Alright?”

There’s a slight tremble of Winona’s lower lip, the only physical sign betraying her inner turmoil before she suddenly exhales sharply in deep relief and buries her face in her hands.

Jim pats her shoulder awkwardly. “Geez, Mom.”

Winona snorts, the sound muffled behind her hands. When she straightens up again, her face is red, her eyes a little wet. “I’m sorry. It’s just—… You’ve already been through so much and I didn’t know how to ask—…”

“It’s okay,” Jim says gently. “I get it.”

Winona shakes her head, a small, nervous laugh escaping her as she grabs her communicator. “I mean, everything would have been caught on tape anyway, but I’m so relieved to hear you say that nothing of the sorts has happened to you.”

Jim’s blood turns to ice.

“Tape?” The realization hits her like a punch in the stomach. “Sybok had his team monitoring us via hidden cameras,” Jim breathes out in horror.

Winona nods absentmindedly, typing something on her communicator. “Don’t worry, kiddo, we already secured all the data collected by their little operation during that whole year, including the surveillance videos. Nothing was left behind.”

“And what have you done with it?” Jim asks urgently, fingers digging into the bed sheets. “Did you leave it all with the local authorities?”

Her mother raises an inquisitive eyebrow. “Of course not. Your case has officially fallen under Vulcan’s jurisdiction, so all the evidence is to be forwarded to the team that had been responsible for tracking Ambassador Sarek’s location.” A snort escapes her. “For all the good they’ve done so far.”

Jim feels a cry of panic building in her throat and she grabs Winona’s hand tightly in hers, eliciting a surprised gasp from her. “Where’s the footage?” she asks, insistent and probably looking a little bit psychotic by now. “Tell me!”

Winona’s eyes widen in worry. “Everything was uploaded on a hard drive and—…”

“Do you have it with you?”

“I—.. Why, yes, but—…”

“Destroy it.”

“ _What?_ ”

Jim leans forward, intent. “Look, there’s absolutely nothing amongst those endless hours of footage that might bring something new onto the table. It’s just me and Sarek living our everyday lives the only way we could. I’m telling you, it’s useless.”

Except it’s not, and Jim knows that perfectly well. Even disregarding the attack on the bunker, she’s very much aware that anything could have happened at night while she and Sarek were sleeping. Hadn’t that been one of her many worries? That anyone could beam down without them noticing and do whatever they wanted with their unconscious and defenseless forms? For all she knows, maybe the team that’s been arrested back on Tarsus is currently lacking a few members who managed to escape Spock and Winona’s grips but whose faces are shown on the surveillance videos.

Then again, Jim also remembers Pig’s words when she had pressed him for answers. The men who had been tasked with monitoring them hadn’t been allowed to carry communication devices, nor had they even known the exact location of the site.

_“I’ve been in this damn place for as long as you have. Exterior communications are cut off. They never even told me the name of the fucking planet!”_

“Please, trust me,” is what she ends up saying to Winona. “Get rid of everything.”

“Jimmy, that’s evidence,” Winona protests, looking at her like she’s truly lost it. “I can’t make it disappear with a snap of my fingers just because you want me to.”

“I was there, Winona. _I lived through it_. Why isn’t my word enough?”

“Of course it’s enough—…”

“Then why won’t you do as I say?! I’m telling you, you don’t need any of it!” Jim insists, hating the way her voice’s wrecked with tremors. “The case against Sybok and his group is already solid enough—…”

Winona lifts a hand to stop her, frowning in concern. “Jim, what is this really about?”

Jim blinks back useless tears. This is what falling into a void without a security nest feels like. She should know. She’s already experienced it more than once in her life.

“Mom, please,” she ends up pleading quietly. “This is a year of my life that too many people have witnessed without my consent already and I refuse to add even more names to that list. I’ve been deprived of my privacy for too long. I deserve this. I deserve this one thing. _Please_.”

“Honey.” Winona sounds so concerned that it makes Jim want to scream. “It’s okay. No one could possibly judge you for whatever happened down there—…”

“For fuck’s sake, Mom, _Spock_ is part of the investigating team and I don’t want him to have to watch—… I don’t—…” Jim chokes out, unable to push the words out past the lump in her throat.

God, just the thought of Spock stumbling upon that footage makes her sick. Actually, physically sick.

Jim quickly grabs a small basin left on the bedside table just in time to empty the content of her stomach into it, surge after surge of disgusting bile escaping her mouth and splashing everywhere. The smell of it triggers another crisis and Jim feels her mother pushing her hair back and rubbing her back soothingly as she vomits, the sounds of her retching echoing in the room around them.

When it’s finally over, Winona takes the ruined container out of Jim’s hand and goes to the bathroom to dispose of it. She comes back with tissues and a wet towel, gently dabbing Jim’s face with it.

Jim wraps her fingers around her mother wrist. “You have to destroy that hard drive. You have to do it.”

Winona wraps an arm around her shoulders. “I know that this is a really complicated situation and I wish I could give you a break, Jimmy,” she says gently, like she’s talking to a spooked animal. It sets Jim’s nerves on fire. She hates being treated like she’s made of glass. “But I’m speaking to the Captain here. You know that we can’t let all this data left unchecked. There might be something in it that will help us find Sybok or figure out what he might do next. Hell, maybe he’s been interfering with you in ways you haven’t realized yet. And Spock already knows about the existence of this hard drive, what exactly do you expect me to tell him when he asks for it?”

“He would have to show his face first in order to do so, wouldn’t he?” Jim can’t help but point out bitterly.

“Jim.”

Jim sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Okay, look, how about you just… leave it all with me? I’ll check it out and if there’s anything in there that might help us, anything even slightly relevant to the current investigations, then I’ll give it back to you.”

“Kiddo—…”

“Mom, I’m begging you here,” Jim pleads desperately. “Please, don’t do this to me.”

Winona looks at her for a long time, obviously torn. Just when Jim thinks that she’s going to hyperventilate in sheer panic, her mother sighs in defeat and finally, _finally_ , nods her head in reluctant agreement.

“Alright,” she says softly. “Alright, Jimmy. We’ll do it your way.”

A grateful gasp is ripped from Jim and she leans heavily on Winona, hiding her face against her shoulder. “Thank you.”

_Thank you_.

* * *

The bunker has redefined the very notion of quietness for Jim.

Each sound had been akin to a quiet explosion in the silence. Their feet walking on the concrete floor, the kitchen knife cutting through the vegetables, the sheets sliding under their weight of their bodies, every single action, no matter how insignificant they seemed to be at the time, had been heard like a bang.

Jim had eventually gotten used to the stillness only broken through her actions alone. In comparison, her hospital room seems… too much. The monitors humming next to her, the lights of the city filtering inside the room through the window, the voices she can hear from the other side of the closed door, everything, absolutely _everything_ seems too loud and too bright.

Winona had left a few hours earlier at Jim’s insistence and she’s honestly thinking of calling her back and beg her to return as soon as possible. She feels like a prisoner in her own skin, ready to explode at any moment. Sleeping is impossible. Relaxing even more so.

And honestly, at some point, it becomes impossible to deny that she just _misses_ Sarek. It’s like an ache in her chest, an infected wound that just won’t let her be, pulling mercilessly at her and leaving her restless.

“Fuck,” mumbles under her breath.

This is ridiculous. It makes no sense to miss the man that badly. How many times in the last twelve months has she dreamt of having her own space? Of walking away from Sarek knowing for sure that she wouldn’t have to see him again unless she explicitly wanted to? And yet, here she is, her first night as a free woman, and all she can think about is how terribly lonely she feels without her Vulcan companion by her side. She can’t help it. She longs for his comforting presence. His soothing touch. Every annoying little habit of his, all of it.

She doesn’t even necessarily want Sarek right now. But still, she desperately needs him with her and that’s even more terrifying.

The realization of this dependency settles like a new weight on her shoulders.

Winona was right. Putting some distances, at least for a few days, can only do them good. Jim needs this space to find herself again, to allow the outside world into a bubble that has only included Sarek for far too long. She’ll message him tomorrow to reassure him, because he must be freaking out right now and she’s not a monster. Then they’ll just… take it slowly, one step at a time.

They’ll get through this. It’ll be fine.

Jim determinedly closes her eyes, willing sleep to just take her already, when the sound of her door opening catches her attention.

“Captain?”

She lets out a relieved breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is hella long and absolutely did NOT want to write itself, so let it be known that I am extremely proud of posting it *victory cry*
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for the support. I hope I didn't disappoint with this new update :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you might actually kill me in my sleep at this point, but still, I hope you enjoy this new chapter. Bear with me here xD

The roller blinds of the window are lowered. It doesn’t allow any natural lights to filter inside, even though the room is still slightly lit by a bunch of different devices. Still, Jim feels better this way. It’s reassuring. Familiar. Something that softens her anxiety and allows her to breathe easier.

It’s only them, hidden in the safety of the dark, trying to keep quiet in a confined space that already echoes far too much with too many different noises. The wheels of the bed rattling raucously on the floor. The mattress springs creaking under their weight and uninterrupted rocking movements. The muffled sounds of Jim’s blissful cries swallowed by a greedy mouth.

A last thrust forward, one hard enough to make the headboard bang loudly against the wall. But Jim’s past the point of caring, hit by the powerful force of her climax that leaves her shaking from head to toe, leaves her entirely helpless as she’s filled by a wonderful surge of heat tainting her insides, marking her in the deepest parts of her body.

Then it’s over and, as easily as that, reality sets back in.

Sarek doesn’t collapse onto Jim so much as he leans his weight more firmly on her body, resting there, breathing sharp and uneven. Jim doesn’t mind. Fingers still digging into the sweat slicked skin of his back, she pants harshly as she blinks at the ceiling, vision clearing now that the exhilaration surrounding her thoughts slowly but surely disappears. 

That’s… not what she had planned to do when Sarek first showed up in her room. Not even close.

“Needed to get that out of your system, did ya’?” she jokes weakly, still breathless.

Sarek doesn’t respond, just presses another kiss right under her jaw, the contact of his lips making Jim shiver pleasantly.

She had honestly just been grateful for his presence, a familiar face in this strange world she no longer recognizes. But Sarek had seemed irritated for some reason, watching her with stern eyes that flashed with a hint of resentment, so quick that Jim had nearly missed it.

“ _Are you well?”_ Sarek had asked before she could say anything.

_“I’m fine,”_ Jim had reassured him, frowning in concern and holding out a hand. _“Come here.”_

After a brief moment of hesitation, Sarek had slid the tip of his fingers against hers, sitting on the edge of the mattress. Jim hadn’t expected the very much human kiss that came after that, nor had she expected the man to climb onto her bed and pull her close.

Still, she hadn’t protested. So here they are. Jim wonders what it says about her that sex has apparently become her only coping mechanism.

But she’s not going to think about that now, if only because the positive effects are undeniable. She feels better, the anxiety that has been compressing her chest and steadily getting worse all but gone now. Well, not gone, not entirely, but it’s certainly more manageable than it was before. An afterthought Jim can choose to ignore for the time being. Everything is buried under the feeling of delicious satiation she’s experiencing right at this moment and maybe that’s not healthy, but it’s certainly helpful.

_Winona would throw a fit if she knew_ , Jim think somehow hilariously. The thought of her mother’s face if she were to stumble upon them in this compromising position makes her snort.

Sarek hums against her skin, puffs of breath warming her neck. “May I enquire as to the source of your amusement?”

Jim runs a lazy hand down his spine, amused and in a teasing mood. “What would people say if they knew that such a highly respected diplomat liked to sneak into my room in the middle of the night like a mere thief?”

She lets out a quiet gasp when Sarek props himself on his elbows to press their mouths together, the movement of his body a reminder that he’s still very much buried inside of her. The bed isn’t nearly big enough for these kinds of activities, but Jim couldn’t care less about that right now. She kisses him back languidly, rubbing soothing circles onto the small of his back, her free hand burying itself into his bowl cut.

She feels full and cherished. Still, at some point it becomes impossible to ignore how uncomfortable their position is. Reluctantly, Jim pulls away from Sarek’s lips and starts to gently push at his shoulders in a silent demand, grimacing when the Vulcan finally withdraws and falls to his side with his arm wrapped around her waist.

Just like they did so many times before, Jim’s fingers find Sarek’s in the dark.

“It’s strange, isn’t it?” Her voice is a soft murmur in the quietness.

“Please be more specific,” Sarek says, not unkindly.

Jim shrugs. “I’ve been waiting for this day for so long, and now that it’s finally here, I’m not as happy as I thought I would be. It’s like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” She closes her eyes. “I suppose it’s hard to believe that any of this is real.”

Sarek hums thoughtfully. “It is illogical to assume that one can effortlessly adjust to an abrupt change of environment and standard of living. You will familiarize yourself with your new surroundings, just as you had gotten used to our previous situation and eventually learnt to accept it.”

His clinical tone makes Jim tense. “I never _accepted_ anything.”

“No?” It sounds like a challenge.

Gritting her teeth, Jim pulls her hand out of his. And she had been in such a good mood too. “You can’t tell me this isn’t doing anything to you.”

“I never pretended as such. Rest assured that our departure from Tarsus has also required a small adjustment on my part, for I could certainly not face the Council in my previous compromised state. I find that meditation has proven to be benefic in that regard.”

“ _Meditation_?” Jim looks at him skeptically. “Is it really that easy for you?”

Sarek’s eyes hold a hint of reproach. “You know better than to make that unfounded assumption.”

Jim snaps her mouth shut, the cold reply stuck behind the shield of her lips. He’s right. She does know better and it’s not fair of her to take her frustrations out on him. After all, the fact Sarek isn’t struggling as much as she is with their new situation isn’t exactly a surprise. He’s always been better at adapting than she is.

So she lets it go. There’s not much else she can do. For a second, she’s tempted to ask Sarek about Spock, so tempted that she can feel the need for answers throbbing in her veins with nearly painfully intensity.

Or perhaps she’s already gotten her answers and she’s now just looking for a confirmation to put her out of her misery.

In the end, she says nothing. That’s her burden. Not Sarek’s.

“How did it go with the Council?” she asks quietly instead.

If the Vulcan is surprised by the change of subject, he doesn’t let it on. “I officially notified my return, as per protocol,” he answers, imperturbable. “It is as I expected. Sybok has been allowed to access my seat during our absence and his influence on the Council’s policies is undeniable. 6.7 days ago, New Vulcan has officially launched a procedure to withdraw from the United Federation of Planets.”

Jim’s eyes widen in shock. “You’re kidding,” she breathes out disbelievingly.

It’s true that the political dissents amongst Vulcans had been growing stronger even before their abduction, but Jim never thought that it would actually amount to anything so disastrous. Vulcan is one of the founding members of the UFP. They’re the ones who initiated the First Contact with Earth, arguably one of the most defining moments in Human history, and paved the way for a unified world government. Without them, there _would have been no Federation in the first place_. 

Words fail Jim. It seems surreal that one man’s lunacy could create this much chaos. “I’m sorry,” she says helplessly, pressing her forehead against Sarek’s shoulder, a surge of pity and sadness swallowing her whole. This is his life’s work that is being burned down to ashes before his very eyes.

Gentle fingers wander aimlessly across her chest. “Illogical, you are not to blame.”

“Stop it, you know what I mean.” Jim rubs Sarek’s elbow absentmindedly. “Any news on his whereabouts?”

Sarek shakes his head. “He has not yet been apprehended.”

Jim waits for him to offer more information. He doesn’t.

“Okay,” she trails off, confused. “You want to expand on that?”

“Negative. I am not yet in possession of all the information regarding Sybok’s case, nor will I be allowed to intervene until I officially regain possession of my status as a councilman. _Kaiidth_ , it is what it is.”

“Enough with that Vulcan nonsense,” Jim shoots back, annoyed. “We’re the first ones concerned. We deserve to be kept in the loop and—… oh, don’t give me that look, you know perfectly well what that means.”

The hand under her breast comes to rest on her stomach, rubbing it gently. “I would prefer to focus on more important matters.”

Jim swallows back her discomfort. “This _is_ an important matter,” she says, not without reproach.

“Commander Kirk has informed me of your discussion with your physician,” Sarek insists, unwilling to let it go. “James, I urge you not to wait too long and accept the surgery. Not only for your wellbeing, but for the sake of the child's as well.”

_Oh, for the love of_ —… Sighing in frustration, Jim turns her head away to stare at the ceiling once more. Well, at least Winona kept her word and didn’t leave Sarek completely in the dark.

“I would rather have a second medical opinion’s first,” she says simply. “And you didn’t seem so concerned about this apparently _unavoidable procedure_ a few days ago,” Jim can’t help but remark pointedly. She’s not angry, just extremely exasperated by Sarek’s utter inability to talk to her. “You’ve already been through this with Amanda. You knew how complicated this pregnancy would be. Didn’t it ever occur to you that I might want to know about it?”

“Your situation is entirely different,” Sarek explains, and if there isn’t an ounce of remorse in his tone, at least he sounds a little uncomfortable. “Amanda and I could not conceive naturally, nor was her body able to sustain life once the embryo was implanted. Truthfully, I expected this pregnancy to reach the same results.” His thumb draws circles on Jim’s abdomen. “Yet, as usual, you have managed to turn a simple scientific inconceivability into an irrefutable reality.”

Jim grits her teeth. _What if I hadn’t? What if I had encountered the same problems as Amanda?_ She wants to demand answers, but she already knows what he’s going to say, doesn’t she? The fool hadn’t told her anything because he had been convinced, still, after everything, that Sybok would have taken care of them and kept them safe in the event of unforeseen complications.

The urge to shake him is strong but, fortunately for Sarek, Jim’s not in the mood to deal with his misconceptions right now. In any case, there’s no point in getting into yet another endless and useless debate with the Vulcan.

“You should have told me,” is what she settles on.

Sarek presses his lips into a thin line. “Your mental state was already unstable at the time. There was no purpose in upsetting you further with—…”

“Shut up,” she cuts him off harshly. “Don’t try to rationalize what you did. Because you had _no_ right.”

“James—…”

“This isn’t how you protect me, Sarek, this is how you push me away.” She looks at him without flinching, willing him to see how serious she is. “You want me to be your partner? Start treating me like one. I can take the truth, but what I cannot and _will not_ tolerate is you deliberately keeping information that _directly concerns me_ to yourself.”

Her words are spoken quietly, and yet they seem to ring in the silence of the room.

Sarek observes her for a long moment, his thumb still tracing small circles on Jim’s stomach. She doesn’t try to avoid his calculating gaze, doesn’t attempt to reject his embrace either. She just stays perfectly still, not pulling away from Sarek’s touch when his hand slides over her hip, bringing her closer if possible.

“Very well,” Sarek says at last, his tone perfectly controlled. “Forgive me.”

Jim lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding, nodding in acceptance. Considering everything she’s kept from Sarek herself, she would be a hypocrite not to accept his apology.

“In the spirit of being truthful to one another,” Sarek also adds. “I suppose I should inform you that I have disclosed the nature of our relationship to my son.”

The blood in Jim’s veins turns to ice.

“There was no need to delay the inevitable,” Sarek continues, eyeing Jim carefully. “I merely confirmed his suspicions.”

“I—…” Her voice comes out raspy. Her mouth is dry. “Okay.” That’s all she can say, the only word she manages to get out in a somewhat even tone as she schools her features into what she hopes to be an imperturbable mask. She refuses to show Sarek even a semblance of heartbreak. He shouldn’t have to witness that.

Sarek’s stare softens imperceptibly. “I realize that you were apprehensive about his reaction to the news. However, your concerns were unfounded. Spock has demonstrated nothing but acceptance and support for our union, as well he should.”

Vulcans can’t lie. But damn if they can’t twist the truth just enough to fit their purposes.

No, Spock hasn’t taken the news well, Jim knows that much. And after their reunion and emotional display back in the bunker, she has no doubts that Sarek himself knows that his words are bull. Quiet acceptance doesn’t mean unequivocal support. What other choice did Spock have but to step back and pretend he was fine with his Captain suddenly being in a relationship with his father?

Officially, Jim and Spock are nothing more than coworkers and friends. They never put a label on their strange friendship. Never felt the need to when they were both confident with their places in each other’s lives. Still, that quiet understanding was based on nothing more than blind faith, the sorts that can’t be expected to last after a year of separation and doubts. Officially speaking, they don’t owe each other anything. Jim certainly doesn’t have to justify herself or her actions.

Still, she’s human. A slave to her emotions. Jim has done nothing wrong, but the truth is a part of her will probably always feel like she’s betrayed Spock.

_I betrayed him the day I lost faith in him_.

He didn’t find her in time, she didn’t wait for him, and now they can’t go back. All they have left is a smokescreen of untold truths they can safely hide behind, one last barrier of protection that will allow them to pretend that everything’s fine. The new lines have been drawn a long time ago, pulling them further and further away from each other. Jim had already accepted back in the bunker that her relationship with Spock would never be the same. Time to act like it now. 

And if the simple thought of letting Spock go seems to rip her stomach apart… well, that’s irrelevant. A broken heart is the least of her worries. Spock is an adult. So is she. They’ll move on eventually.

_I just wish I could have spoken to him first_ , Jim thinks despondently.

“Do you find this outcome satisfying?” Sarek presses on.

His tone is casual enough, but his eyes still flash with a hint of caution, like he’s expecting her to snap at any moment. No, she’s not _satisfied_ with this outcome. Not even close. But they all have their parts to play now and the only thing Jim can do is keep pretending with the rest of them.

“I’m glad he’s okay with us.” The steadiness of her voice would have put any Vulcan to shame.  
  
  


A flash of surprise, then Sarek nods, clearly pleased by her answer. “I had no doubt that he would be.”

Jim plays absentmindedly with the bed sheets. “He’s working on finding Sybok, right?”

“Negative, I requested his assistance on another matter,” Sarek informs her with a shake of his head. “Despite Sybok’s treachery, a few members of the Council are still in support of his ideas regarding New Vulcan’s future within the Federation. It is imperative we begin to disengage from these atrocious policies as soon as possible. Moreover, the priority at the moment is to appease the dissensions amongst our people before those can lead to civil conflicts.”

Well, Jim supposes he’s got a point. New Vulcan had been on the edge of popular uprisings even before the attack on the Embassy. She can’t imagine the situation is any better now the separatists are so close to finding a withdrawal agreement with the Federation.

Still, she can’t imagine Spock simply letting his brother escape. Not after everything he’s done.

“And he accepted?” she asks skeptically. “Just like that?”

“I do not believe Spock has any other choice in the matter. He cannot afford to disregard his duty once more.”

Surprised by the sudden change of attitude, Jim frowns. “What are you talking about?”

Sarek’s features harden into something cold and unforgiving. “In the eventuality of my demise, my son was to succeed me and take my place on the Council.” His fingers twitch on Jim’s skin. “Instead, he supported Sybok’s petition to reinstate him of his title and relinquished his rights as my heir, therefore allowing his brother to inflict his abhorrent ideas onto our people.”

Jim reels back, stunned. “ _What?”_

The severity of Sarek’s gaze leaves no room for doubt.

It doesn’t make any sense. Spock is a fervent supporter of the Federation and its principles. His very existence is the testament of everything the UFP has been striving forwards since its creation. Never in a million years would he have handed over his family seat to Sybok if he had known of his brother’s mad plans.

_But maybe_ , Jim blinks with newfound understanding. _Maybe he hadn’t been present to witness any of it in the first place._

She tries to put herself in Spock’s shoes. Torn between his duties as a Starfleet officer, his responsibilities to his people and his loyalty to Sarek and Jim both, the Vulcan must have been drowning under the weight of it all. _Comes in Sybok_ , Jim thinks bitterly. Spock’s long lost brother, someone who’s there to offer the support he desperately needs and take some of his excruciating burdens off his shoulders.

Had her First Officer believed Sybok was a changed man? Had he really trusted him? He must have, or else he never would have agreed to support his return amongst the Vulcans. Not to mention that his presence must have made everything so much more easier. All Spock had to do was resign his commission and let Sybok handle the politics, that way he could fully focus and dedicate all of his time and energy to the search of Sarek and Jim.

Had Sybok been throwing Spock off their trail the whole time? Is that why it took him so long to find them? At which point did he start suspecting his brother’s less than pure intentions?

_Oh, Spock_. Jim’s eyes are wet. She was wrong earlier. Letting the Vulcan go isn’t the hard part. Knowing that he has been let down and betrayed by everyone he cared about, _including her_ … That’s unbearable.

“He thought he was doing the right thing,” she says quietly. “Spock had no way of knowing that Sybok was behind our disappearance.”

Sarek isn’t so comprehensive. “His faith in his brother is not what I condemn. However, he knew of Sybok’s volatile nature and still attempted to transfer his responsibilities to him when the future of our people should have taken precedence,” he says sternly, unrelenting. “He allowed his emotional attachments to interfere with his judgment and acted in a most unbefitting manner.”

Jim looks at him incredulously. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She pulls away from Sarek’s embrace, nearly falling off the bed in the process. “Are you really going to blame him for trusting his brother? Sarek, for god’s sake, he was trying to find you!”

The irritation Jim had detected back when Sarek first came into her room makes itself known once more. “I believe we are both fully aware that this assessment is not entirely correct, is it?” he snaps, breaking persona if only for a moment, before getting off the bed and grabbing his disregarded clothes.

There’s something in the tone of his voice, something in the way he’s looking at Jim, like he’s angry at her and is trying to hide it behind false impassivity. He used to do that a lot during their first few months in the bunker. All of a sudden, Jim feels terribly exposed, pulling the bed sheet to her chest.

He’s not just angry at Spock, that much is clear.

“Are you mad at me?” Her question makes Sarek stiffen slightly and she sighs in exasperation, running a frustrated hand through her blonde locks. “Sarek, seriously, what is this really about?”

The Vulcan stays silent for a long time, his back turned to her, fingers twitching by his sides like he wants to roll them into fists.

“It is shameful.”

A pang of worry hits Jim. “What?”

“It is shameful!” Sarek abruptly turns back to face her, making her jump in surprise. “You have called “a mere thief” and I find that I cannot dispute the apt description of my disgraceful behavior, for how else would you call a man who deceptively uses the cover of the night to reach his mate?”

Jim frowns. “You’re exaggerating.”

“Am I? I do not suppose it escaped your notice that Commander Kirk appears to hold me responsible for the unfortunate set of circumstances that had befallen upon us and has repeatedly protested against my presence at your side. This is no jesting matter from which one derides amusement, James.”

“She’s just being protective,” Jim protests weakly, knowing far too well that Winona hates Sarek’s guts.

“Nonetheless, I ask that you promptly inform her of our relationship status, for I shall not be kept away any longer.”

Jim groans, wondering when exactly everything became so messed up. “I’m sorry my Mom was so harsh on you. I am. But I’ve already talked to her, okay? I’ve told her about us. She knows… what you are to me.”

That doesn’t seem to reassure Sarek in the slightest. If anything, he looks more pissed if his sudden clenching jaw is any indication.

“Perhaps you would have preferred to keep silent on the matter?”

Feeling defensive almost instantly, Jim tightens her grip on the sheet. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have been awake for the past 8.3 hours,” Sarek accuses sharply. “Not once have you attempted to contact me. Jim. Do not take me a fool, it is beneath you.”

Mouth opening in protest, Jim is ready to deny his accusation when the memory of her conversation with Winona stops her. _“Do you want me to call him?”_

She had refused. Winona disapproval and arguments may have played a part in Jim’s decision, but it was still _hers_.

Gulping nervously, Jim wraps the sheet more firmly around her. “Alright,” she says softly, getting up from the bed in turn and standing hesitantly next to it, unsure on how to proceed. “I’m sorry. You’re right, I had ample of opportunities to ask for you and I didn’t. I have no excuses.”

Sarek nods to himself, as if he was expecting this answer already, and finishes buttoning his pants before bending down to grab his shirt, seemingly indifferent to Jim’s admission. Still, the quiet note of resentment in his tone betrays him.

“Our circumstances may have changed and yet I had, perhaps somewhat foolishly, entertained the notion that our commitment to one another would remain the same.”

Jim’s brows furrow. “It has.” She’s many things. A liar and a coward isn’t one of them.

“Has it? Human’s tendency to dissimulate their true intentions behind false assurances in order to avoid necessary confrontations will never cease to baffle me.” Sarek shakes his head. “No, Jim. Your behavior indicates a clear agreement with Commander Kirk’s position, which leads me to believe that it is your wish to terminate our relationship.”

“No, that’s not it at all,” Jim protests instantly, going to him and hesitantly taking his hand in hers. “I swear, it’s not like that. This has nothing to do with my commitment to you, it’s just—… Winona said something about us being maybe a little too codependent and I—…”

“Your absentee mother should cease to meddle in affairs which do not concern her,” Sarek growls.

“ _Hey_.” This time, it’s Jim’s turn to get a little pissed off. “You’re crossing a line.” Then, softening a bit. “She’s raised some good points, though. Could you please consider them for a moment before rejecting the idea completely?”

Clearly, Sarek has no desire to do such thing. “I will not allow a stranger to deter me from your side and dictate my conduct around you. You are my mate and the mother of my child. This entire conversation is ridiculous.”

“The only ridiculous thing here is your refusal to even consider the possibility that after everything we’ve been through, we might need help that we cannot give each other right now. Stop being so stubborn and just listen to me.”

Sarek makes a move to pull his hands back, so Jim just tightens her grip on them. “It’s not normal,” she insists, lifting their joined fingers between them. “Can’t you see that? We should be in each other lives because we _want_ to be, not because we _need_ to be. Hell, Sarek, this is my first night out of the bunker, I’ve been dreaming about this day for a year, and I couldn’t even _sleep_ without you in the same room. It was driving me mad to be so far away from you and not know for sure where you were. And I know that Winona kept you updated and told you that I would meet with you tomorrow. But you’re here anyway. Can’t you see how twisted that is? I can’t be that dependent on you, on anyone. I won’t.”

“You are letting your mother’s disapproval impact your judgment. We have merely developed an arrangement which has allowed us to cohabit in acceptable conditions and assist each other during these trying times. To suppose that we could disregard such habits overnight is absurd.”

“Maybe, but it makes me worried. I can’t help it. So for my own peace of mind, please, let’s just give it a try.” She takes a deep breath. “I’ll stay with Winona for a few days. We’ll still see each other as often as we want, we just… won’t be living together. It’s only for a little while, to allow us some room to breathe. I know you don’t see it Sarek, but we need it.”

“Do not presume—…”

“ _I need it_ ,” Jim cuts him off pleadingly, boring her eyes into his, needing him to see just how serious she’s being right now. “Please.”

Sarek observes her for a long moment, dark eyes dancing across her face, searching and pondering.

“Do I have you word,” he starts out carefully, tightening his grip on her hands. “that this decision of yours has not been made in a perhaps unconscious desire to question your commitment to our union?”

Heart in her throat, Jim nods. “I swear. I told you I’d try, and I will. I want this to work between us, Sarek, that’s why I’m asking you for some space. Please, understand that.”

And, miraculously , if somewhat grudgingly, Sarek finally does.

Sighing softly, he pulls Jim to him, brushing his lips across her forehead in a gentle caress. She closes her eyes, the tip of her fingers rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hands.

“I find no logic in this exercise, nor do I agree with it,” he says quietly. “However, I shall respect your wishes and meditate on the matter accordingly.”

Jim closes her eyes in relief. _Thank God_. “Nothing has changed,” she promises, uncomfortable but sincere nonetheless. She goes onto the tip of her toes to press a gentle kiss of reassurance right under Sarek’s jawline, slowly pulling her fingers free to drop them to the Vulcan’s pants, unbuttoning them swiftly.

Sarek lets out a sharp breath. “ _James_.”

The sheet wrapped around her body falls around her, revealing her entirely to Sarek’s hungry gaze. “Let me show you,” Jim whispers against his collarbone, kissing her way down his chest as she goes on her knees, opening his pants and mouthing greedily at the hardening bulge hidden under the fabric of his underwear.

Sarek threads his fingers into her hair. “You do not need to secure my agreement through sexual favors.”

Jim would feel insulted by his insinuations, but she figures she doesn’t really have any high ground to stand on considering that she has, in fact, done so in the past. So instead she pulls down Sarek’s pants and underwear, freeing his thick and needy cock. “You’ve just spent the last hour making me forget my own name and apparently it’s still not enough to make you understand. So let’s try this again.” She bites his inner thigh teasingly before nuzzling his groin. Behind his heady and masculine scent, he still smells of her.

She racks her nails across his buttocks. “Let me show you how much I want this,” she breathes out. _I want this_ , Jim reminds herself firmly before finally taking the head of Sarek’s cock into her mouth.

A soft gasp worth a thousand noises. “ _Ah_.” The wandering fingers become a fist pulling at her hair. Jim closes her eyes, inhales sharply through her nose, and takes him even deeper.

Sarek’s almost gentle as he fucks her mouth with small, lazy rolls of his hips, cradling her face and rubbing his thumb over her cheek all the while, the perfect picture of a man satisfied with his lover’s devotion. When he finally shoots his bitter release down her throat, Jim swallows it all without protest, milking the thick and long shaft dry before letting it slide out of her mouth with an obscene sound. The tip of Sarek’s cock, still humid with saliva, bumps on her chin and she swirls her tongue one last time around it for good measure.

“You are exquisite,” Sarek says in wonder.

Jim stays on her knees, forehead pressed to Sarek’s leg as she pants, trying to catch her breath.

Trying even harder to keep the tears at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story simply does not want to write itself and I'm in pain *uggly sobbing*


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Last chapter of 2020! I can't believe we're in december already, still feels like we're back in march tbh. But I suppose that's to be expected considering that the entire world has been put on pause. 
> 
> Stay safe, everyone. Wear your masks and protect your loved ones. I hope you guys still get to enjoy the holidays despite everything that's happening.

The newly built building stands tall and proud at the edge of the young city of Ara’Kahr.

Jim’s sitting on the floor, facing the bay window of the living room. It opens up on the outside of the city, offering a view of endless expanses of lands, sand and rock formations. She suspects that the scenery is the main reason Winona picked this particular location out of all the choices offered by the Earth embassy; she probably believes that after all this time spent stuck underground, Jim would feel better in a more open space. Winona’s not exactly wrong, but Jim can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed by the sights.

It’s pathetic.

Winona’s currently busy in the kitchen doing god knows what. They haven’t spoken much since Jim was released from the hospital a few hours ago, talked even less after they left Earth’s embassy.

As per protocol, Jim has now officially notified her return to Starfleet. The Admiralty very solemnly congratulated her on her miraculous return from the dead, urged her to find a transport to Earth as soon as possible and spoke briefly of the series of tests she would have to undertake in order to get her rank back and be assigned to a new ship.

A new ship. Because they’ve given the Enterprise to someone else.

The now constant knot in her stomach swells punishingly at the thought and Jim has to take a few deep breaths just to try to loosen it a little. It’s not like the news comes as a surprise. She’s been gone for over a year and while her life has been seemingly put on pause, the mechanisms of the universe haven’t stopped working. Worlds kept turning. Stars kept dying. Ships kept exploring.

The Enterprise is Starfleet’s flagship, their very ultimate masterpiece, and they weren’t going to leave that beauty without a Captain to steer it for long. Whoever that person is, they’ve now solidly taken her place and made it their own, guiding her beloved crew into uncharted space as they continue onto their five year mission. This is good. Jim should be happy for the ones she unwillingly left behind. They haven’t gotten separated by reassignments and are under the command of someone who’s qualified enough to have kept them alive and safe so far.

People move on. That’s what they do, because they simply have to.

Jim is no different. Hell, she’s always known that she wouldn’t get the Enterprise back, and she truly thought she had mourned the loss accordingly back on Tarsus, but she’s only now realizing that the lack of certainty, of formalization – that 1% chance that she might be wrong – has kept the burning flame of hope alive all along.

To feel that flame go out for good is nothing short of excruciating.

Her eyes burn with treacherous tears that she keeps stubbornly in check. It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. Dwelling on her loss won’t help her get her life back and she’s already got enough major problems in her hands at the moment. Like the time ticking bomb currently residing in her uterus and growing a little bit more with each passing moment.

_What the fuck I am going to do?_

As if sensing her turmoil from afar, Winona enters the room with two mugs that Jim quickly realizes are filled with hot cocoa drinks, the whipped cream toppings giving it away before the smell of chocolate does.

She finds herself smiling and quickly blinks the tears away. “Where did you even find chocolate?” Her voice is a little throaty.

Winona hums, handing one steaming cup to Jim carefully. The mug burns her palms just enough to be pleasant, warming her to her core. “It wasn’t easy, but I have my ways,” Winona says playfully, taking a sit next to Jim on the floor. The position can’t possibly be comfortable for her mother, but she doesn’t complain and wouldn’t appreciate Jim voicing that particular opinion out loud. So she says nothing and takes her first lick of the whipped cream.

“Cinnamon?” Jim asks, pleasantly surprised.

Winona has a satisfied smile on her face. “Of course.”

The next few minutes are spent in comfortable silence as both Kirk women enjoy their drinks and look across the bay window to take in the beautiful wild landscapes Ara’Kahr has to offer. With her mother sitting next to her, it’s easier for Jim to disregard her discomfort at all this open space and appreciate the scenery. The setting sun is glowing on the horizon, painting the world in warm colors that only enhance the red of the hills. Expanses of sand seem to morph into auburn lakes under her gaze, the mirage as enthralling as it’s awe inspiring.

“This planet is beautiful,” she finds herself saying eventually.

“Yes,” Winona agrees simply, just as engrossed by the sights as Jim is.

Jim brings her mug to her lips, appreciating the taste of hot chocolate, feeling the warm liquid slide down her throat pleasantly. Attention lost in the horizon, she wonders if the landscapes around Sarek’s property are just as pleasing to the eye. Can _Gespar_ trees really grow in this environment? Would the green of their leaves pop against the auburn colors of this world? Are their leaves even green?

The sound of her communicator chirping on the coffee table behind her pulls her out of her thoughts. Jim blinks, surprised enough that it takes her a moment to reach across the small distance and grab the device, this one smooth and clean when the one she had built in the bunker was scratched and rough. The weight of it in her hands feels strange. The fact that she’s even in possession of a communicator that is entirely hers feels strange.

A lot of things feel strange in this new life of hers.

Jim takes a look at the small screen, biting her lips when she sees Sarek’s name displayed on it. She hesitates, but ultimately decides to not answer. They’ve already spoken briefly this morning and made plans to meet up tomorrow. Jim doesn’t really feel like talking right now and puts the device on mute, dropping it back onto the table. As if to punish her for her cowardice, her already sore breasts start to ache just a little more, making her fidget uncomfortably as she holds back a curse. Damn boobs hadn’t bothered her that much up until a few days ago.

Next to her, Winona stays pointedly silent.

Jim risks a glance in her direction. Her mother’s lips are pressed into a thin line, her face tight when it was open and soft barely a few seconds ago. Damn, she really, _really_ didn’t like Sarek.

“Don’t start,” Jim warns.

“I didn’t say anything,” Winona says calmly.

“You didn’t have to, it’s all over your face.”

“I can’t control what my face does, kiddo. I’m not Vulcan.”

Jim mumbles under her breath, taking another sip of her drink to distract herself and hoping against all hope that Winona will just let it be, just this once. Fat chance.

“It’s just,” Winona starts, ignoring Jim’s exasperated groan. “I want to apologize.”

That brings Jim to a stop. “What?”

Winona carefully considers her next words, that much is obvious. “When I told you that you had options, I didn’t stop to think that maybe you didn’t want them. That was my mistake.” She shakes her head disbelievingly. “I was just so certain that this couldn’t possibly be something you would want that I didn’t even—… I didn’t ask you, Jim. And I know you don’t want to talk about it until you manage to get hold of your friend—…”

“I really don’t,” Jim grumbles.

“—but we still need to discuss your options,” Winona insists, brown eyes swirling with nervousness. “We need to be prepared, because if M’Benga is right then _anything_ could happen in the space of two weeks. And if, god forbid, you have a medical emergency within that time frame and end up unable to voice your consent, then I need to know what decision you want me to take in your stead. Don’t let me make this choice for you, honey.”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Jim says, surprised by how steady and confident she sounds when, the truth is, each one of Winona’s remarks are hitting just the right marks.

Predictably, the reassurance does nothing to assuage Winona’s fears. “Do you want this baby?”

Jim freezes.

She must look absolutely ridiculous, sitting there in her comfy pajamas, as useless as a deer in the headlights. It doesn’t make any sense to feel so caught off guard by her mother’s query. Of course that is the primary question that demands an unequivocal answer. Does she want this baby?

The thing is… this is the first time anyone’s ever truly asked her. Sarek welcomed the news with clear joy and practically proposed to her on the spot. Winona assumed she wouldn’t want to keep it. The doctor made sure she was aware of her different medical options, sure, but no one’s ever sat down with her, looked at her in the eyes, and asked her if she wants to become a mother.

_Does she?_

A month ago, the answer would have been an unambiguous _no_. A month ago, she was praying with every cell of her body for that damn stick to turn red instead of green. A month ago she was begging Sybok to give her access to abortion pills and cursing him when he refused to grant her those.

A month ago she also came to the realization that this pregnancy was happening whether she wanted it or not and forced herself to accept her new situation, less she went mad with despair. Can acceptance lead to real desire? She’s gotten so used to the idea, but does it necessarily mean she’s entirely on board with it?

She has a choice now and yet every time she tries to come up with a decision, her mind goes blank.

This is why she needs Bones. Not only because of his medical expertise, not because he’s the only doctor in this entire universe that she trusts implicitly and she can’t stand the thought of anyone else operating on her if things do go south, but because she needs her best friend. She needs him to knock some sense into her in that grumpy, affectionate way of his. He’ll tell her she’s a dumbass and that’ll get her brain working again, she’s sure of it.

But he’s not here. Spock’s not here either. And without the two of them she feels incredibly alone and lost.

Something on her face makes Winona’s eyes go soft with understanding. Leaning forward, she puts a hand on Jim’s knee and squeezes comfortingly.

Jim swallows hard. “You’re right,” she says. “You are. I’m not trying to make this more complicated, okay? I know I need to make a decision, but I just—…” She stops. Takes a deep breath and finally, _finally_ , voices her concerns out loud. “I have no idea what I want and it scares the hell out of me.”

To her credit, Winona doesn’t lose her understanding expression, just nods like Jim’s cryptic answer is the most logical thing in the world. “Is this about the Ambassador?”

Jim scoffs. “Of course it’s about him.” She shakes her head and looks across the bay window once more. “Not entirely, but he’s a big part of the equation. I know you don’t like it, but it’s not something you can change.”

“If he’s pressuring you in any way—…”

“Could you please stop with that?” Jim interrupts her, already frustrated. “We’ve been over this. Sarek isn’t forcing me to do anything I don’t want to do. It’s not like that.”

Winona frowns. “Then help me understand.” It’s eerie, how much she sounds like Jim right at this moment. “Because from where I’m standing, it looks like you want to keep this baby to make him happy.” She holds up her hand to cut off Jim’s offended retort. “Don’t tell me _‘it’s not like that’_ , just explain to me what it’s like.”

Jim opens her mouth and closes it a few times, irritated by Winona’s ability to make her feel like a scolded kid all over again. Still, as frustrating as it feels, Jim can’t blame her mother for trying to understand.

Winona’s here and she’s trying. The least Jim can do is meet her halfway.

“When I first started having suspicions about… this,” Jim starts hesitantly. “I freaked out. And let’s just say I reacted pretty badly when those suspicions were confirmed. I didn’t want this baby, Winona.” Jim says somberly. Somehow, speaking the words out loud make her feel better. “I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t plan for it. I didn’t even think that it was possible. But somehow it happened and, short of hurting myself, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had no other choice but to accept this pregnancy and accepting it meant envisioning what it would be like to become a mother, to start thinking of this,” she gestures her stomach. “as a child that would soon be a part of my life and that I would have to protect from Sybok when I couldn’t even keep myself safe. I’ve spent an entire month with that mindset. It may not seem like a lot to you, but down there? It felt like a lifetime.”

Amazingly, the knot in her stomach entangles itself a little bit more as she keeps talking and Jim takes a deep breath, overtaken by a sudden, desperate urge to get it all out in the open. “You’re afraid that Sarek is somehow forcing me to do this against my will. He’s not. He’s been kind and patient and perfect throughout this entire ordeal and I—…” Her throat is tight and aching. “I made a commitment to him. I promised him I would try. Can you understand that?”

_“If there’s even a chance that the three of us can form a real family, then I owe it to myself to give it a shot.”_

Jim shakes her head, trying to get rid of the memories of Sarek and his quiet but nonetheless true happiness after her announcement. The way his eyes had shined with unrestrained joy. The soft kiss full of gratitude he had given her. All of it.

Her voice is full of tremors when she speaks again. “I told him he was going to become a father. I told him I’d try to form a family with him. I gave him _hope_ , Winona.” She can’t stop the next words that come out of her mouth. “And maybe things would have been different if you had found us earlier or if you had decided to act more quickly instead of waiting as long as you did to get us out, but you didn’t. I could have kept this pregnancy hidden. I could have taken care of it discreetly and Sarek never would have had to know. Now that he does, now that he’s actually excited for this baby, what the fuck am I supposed to do exactly?!”

Her accusation rings loudly around them before making way for solemn and condemning silence. Jim’s only now realizing that she’s breathing harshly, blinking disbelievingly at Winona as the daze of anxiety clouding her mind slowly but surely dissipates, leaving nothing but her mother’s sad and empathetic gaze for her to see.

Guilt tears at Jim’s insides. “Mom, I didn’t mean…”

Winona shakes her head, discreetly trying to rub her eyes. “It’s alright,” she assures Jim, clearing her throat when her voice comes out a little unsteady. “I understand what you meant.”

Jim grips Winona’s hand. “I don’t blame you for any of this. _I don’t_ ,” she leans forward, intent and honest.

“I know you don’t, but your assessment is not wrong. Spock and I played it safe because we believed it was safer for you and you paid the price of that delay. But Jim,” Winona puts her other hand on their entangled fingers, looking at Jim right in the eye. “Regardless of what you think the Ambassador did for you, you don’t owe him this. No one can possibly be owed this much.”

Jim looks away. “It’s not about owing him anything,” she says quietly. “I’ve lost… _a lot_ this past year.” _My life. The Enterprise. Spock. God, Spock._ “I don’t want to lose Sarek, too. I know you have trouble believing it, and to be honest there are days where _I_ still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, but I truly care about him, Mom. I care too much to break his heart without truly thinking things through. He’s been my ally and companion far too long to deserve anything less from me.” Her tone turns resolute. “The only thing I can do right now is react on short term. I may not know what the hell I’m going to do with this pregnancy, but I know that I have two weeks to find out. And I also know that Sybok is out there somewhere, so I’m going to look for him, find him and _make him pay_. That’s what I’m going to do.”

_I’m going to make him regret the day he decided to drag me into his fucked up plans_.

Jim doesn’t know what exactly Winona got from all that onslaught of information, but at some point she just nods to herself and gets up from her position on the floor with a quiet curse, her knees-joints cracking loudly as she stands up. Brows furrowed, Jim watches her walk towards her bag left carelessly on the couch and start searching through it. There’s a small, grey device in Winona’s hand when she comes back to sit next to Jim.

Jim’s breath catches in her throat. It’s a hard drive.

“Everything found in that surveillance room is on this little thing.” Winona gives the device to Jim. “It’s the only copy.”

“Thank you,” Jim says a little breathlessly, overwhelming relief washing over her.

Winona’s tone is stern. “I want your word that if you find anything, anything at all, you’ll go to the Vulcan authorities directly. Sybok is accused of high treason and they’re throwing everything they have into finding him. If you want to catch him, you’re going to need their help.”

Jim holds her severe gaze. “I know. I promise I won’t keep any vital information to myself.”

“Good.” Winona sighs. “And for the record, I don’t think that you’ve lost everything.”

No need to be a mind reader to know what the other woman is talking about.

Jim drops her gaze to her mug. The drink has gone cold. “It’s been 3 days. He doesn’t want to see me.”

Winona hums thoughtfully. “I think the poor man is just as lost as you are and he probably doesn’t believe that his presence will do you any good,” Her voice gets cautious. “If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that he’s keeping his distances because he doesn’t know how to act around you anymore and is afraid of making you uncomfortable. It’s like you said, Jimmy. Things have changed and you are now in a relationship with his father. It’s only been three days, give him time to digest the information.”

Jim’s eyes widen incredulously. “I’m not—…” Her protest dies on her lips once she realizes how ridiculous her statement would sound. What is this if not a romantic relationship between two consensual adults who are expecting their first child together?

She closes her eyes in defeat. “Okay, point taken.” 

Winona has a sympathetic smile on her face. To Jim’s surprise, she hesitantly wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling Jim’s head to rest against her collarbone. It’s tensed at first, Winona not really knowing if she’s allowed to offer that comforting embrace, Jim whose muscles feel as rigid as ice, but then, ever so slowly, they both relax into the hug and Jim finds herself tucking her head into the crook of her mother’s neck, breathing in her familiar rosemary scent.

“I’m sorry I failed you, kiddo,” Winona breathes out regretfully.

Jim shakes her head. “You didn’t fail me, Mom. You got me out of that hell.” _You came for me this time_ , is what is left unsaid between them _._ Jim closes her hand around the small, grey hard drive, feeling its hard edges dig into her palm. “The rest is up to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter clears out some things about Jim's mindset and why she feels so conflicted. I've already started to work on the next chapter and I hope I'll be able to give it to you guys soon :) Thank you all so much for all the kind words and support!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how I said that Chapter 5 was the last of 2020? Well, apparently, that was a lie. Inspiration struck today to help me with this transition chapter. I *might* even be able to add the next chapter soon if all goes well xD Fingers crossed!
> 
> Enjoy :)

“What do you mean _he’s gone_?!”

The stern looking woman lifts an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed by this show of emotional outburst. “As I have just informed you, Mister Spock has left the premises 28.4 hours ago and has requested my services in order to guard the domicile while he is gone.”

Jim gapes in disbelief. “You’re his housekeeper?” Something akin to outrage crosses the woman’s features and Jim quickly cuts off any acerbic retort she might have had. “Where did he go? Did he say when he would be back?”

“He did not offer any supplementary information and I did not find it necessary to require such things from him,” the now obviously really ticked off Vulcans answers, a quiet disdain swirling in her dark pupils. “Now if you will excuse me, I shall return to my work.” She nods her head in farewell and calmly closes the door, effectively dismissing a completely and utterly stunned Jim.

That door might as well have been slammed in her face.

Finding herself alone in the hallway of Spock’s apartment, Jim’s feet automatically start walking away even as she blinks unseeingly at the walls, lost and dazed. She slowly presses the elevator button, holds it down until the thick metallic doors open, enters the cabin, all without truly being able to digest this new piece of information, to realize that Spock has truly packed up his things and left without a word.

_Spock left_.

The veil of confusion fades away, leaving nothing but blazing anger in its wake. Jim’s hands form into shaking fists by her sides and she very nearly punches the wall of the elevator as it starts its descent to the lobby, a scream stuck in her throat.

_How fucking dare he?!_

So, she isn’t even worth a goodbye, uh? Or perhaps an actual conversation? Or even a simple, formal visit? No, instead Spock’s decided to disappear into the night like some sort of pathetic thief without so much as a by your leave. She’s not his Captain anymore and clearly being his father’s new girlfriend somehow stripped her of her friend status, so why would he care?

_You’re being unfair_ , a small, rational voice tries to reason with her. _It’s like Winona’s said; he doesn’t feel like he has a place in your life anymore and, frankly, it’s not like you went out of your way to try to contact him these past few days_.

“But I’m here now,” Jim seethes between her teeth. _I’m here and he’s not because he’s a fucking coward_.

When the grey metallic doors open into the building’s lobby, Jim storms off, uncaring of the curious glances she earns along the way. The unbearable heat of New Vulcan begins to affect her nearly instantly once she’s outside in the streets, sun beating down with no clouds or breeze to offer any sort of relief. Already, Jim’s starting to sweat under her white shirt and she searches through her bag for her bottle of water, cursing herself for having forgetten her hat at home.

Cursing herself even more for having listened to Winona in the first place.

“—… meddling, infuriating little witch—… should mind her own business—…”

The only reason she’s even here is because her mother got into her head. In fact, ever since she gave Jim that hard drive, she’s been pushing her to reach out to Spock, telling her over and over again that her friend would definitely want to see her, that one of them had to take the first step at some point, that she could only avoid him for so long…

Telling her things Spock probably never would have told Jim if he had the chance.

“ _He thought you were dead, you know_?” Winona had suddenly said this very morning, looking at her daughter with a strange glint in her eyes.

Jim had been eating her breakfast at the time, the casually thrown remark making her pause “ _What?”_

_“Strangest thing, really. But a short time after we reached Tarsus, the man just woke up in the middle of the night, trashed our room like some kind of wild animal and left without saying a word. Honestly, I thought he had gone mad. In fact, I remember thinking that I should probably follow him and knock him out before he did anything stupid, but then he just came back to the hotel, cleaned up the mess he had made and suddenly declared that you were gone.”_ Winona had shivered at the memory. _“Scared the shit out of me.”_

Jim had opened her mouth, endless questions at the tip of her tongue and ready to be put into words, when something made her stop in her tracks. Instead she had asked Winona to please call her a cab while she quickly got herself ready for the day.

For all the good that it did her.

Even now, she can’t stop thinking about it. Vivid dreams of Spock that had stopped brutally after she found out about her pregnancy. A flash of a beautiful but weakened golden link snapping in half. The knowledge is still there, buried deep within her chest, but Jim doesn’t have the strength to reach out to it and bring it to light just yet. Maybe not ever.

She’s too scared she’ll fall apart completely if she does.

In any case, none of it truly matters anymore. She and Spock are now on two very different journeys and no matter how much she wishes her path could merge with his once more, the truth is they’ve grown apart too much for that. Jim’s clearly not the woman he remembers and fought so hard for. She’s a stranger wearing his beloved Captain’s face and currently expecting his father’s child. Why make things more complicated by staying and trying to fight for something that no longer exist? Why _would_ he stay in a place that does nothing but remind him of everything he’s lost?

Spock got them out and gave Jim her freedom back. He doesn’t owe her anything else beyond that.

But, god, it hurts. It hurts like thousands of needles tearing mercilessly into her flesh. Reason and logic be damned, Jim can’t help but feel betrayed and abandoned by the one person she thought would always be by her side.

_He really left._

The message is clear. Spock’s trying to move on. So should Jim. It’s time for her to finally give herself the chance to be happy. It’s time to let go.

Jim swallows hard and walks away from Spock’s building, aimless but with firm steps. She should go back to her temporary place and continue reviewing the footage from the bunker. She’s managed to go through four months of data in the past two days alone and still has a long way to go, but reliving the loss of the communicator through her constant watch was harder than she’d thought it would be. It’s not like she didn’t already know what happened, she’s lived through it after all, but it still felt surreal to actually witness their formers captors beam down while they were asleep and steal the newly assembled device that had meant so much to her right under their nose. At least Jim now has the confirmation that Pig and the Vulcan medic had been the one behind the theft.

Pig and the Vulcan medic. Men who’ve brought her so much misery and Jim doesn’t even know their names.

As of now, the surveillance tapes haven’t shown her anything she didn’t already know and, frankly, Jim should focus a little more on getting into contact with Bones. It’s been a week now and there’s still no trace of the man or the Enterprise, and if that in itself is not really unusual considering the nature of their mission – exploring uncharted space means that they’ll often be out of range – their prolonged silence, however, is. The ship should have docked at Starbase 13 for a general inspection weeks ago, but so far nothing. Unpredictable delays happen all the time, Jim herself had to deal with a lot of those as a Captain, but she’s also terribly aware of getting closer to the cut off date. Clock’s ticking and she’s still no closer to figuring out what to do about her pregnancy than she was since her deal with M’Benga. So she should really focus on that. She _will_ focus on that.

But first, she needs to get the hell out of this busy street before she starts hyperventilating for real in front of a bunch of people who are not equipped to deal with a hysterical human. The sounds of a bustling city and the seemingly massive crowd whose attention seems to be locked onto her and the endless sidewalks and buildings all around her make her feel like she’s about to be torn apart in dozens of different directions and, god, when did the world become so big?

More importantly, when did she start to fear it?

* * *

Sarek’s assistant, a young man named Sorel whom Jim’s only met a few seconds ago because Sarek _entirely failed_ to warn her about his existence – and who probably didn’t expect to meet a sweat dripping, rumpled, crazy looking human disaster when he opened the front door of his superior’s home– escorts her to the spacious and well lit living room, inviting her to take a sit with a gesture of his hand.

“I shall announce your presence to the Counselor,” he says collectedly, face as cold as ice. She can’t tell if he’s annoyed by her impromptu arrival or if he really couldn’t care less one way or the other. “Please, wait here.”

Jim’s eyes follow the man until he disappears into another room before casting a wary glance around her.

Sarek’s choice of location is entirely different from Winona’s. While hers is secluded and quiet, the Vulcan’s chosen to settle in a penthouse situated right at the heart of the young capital, its main feature being a fully glassed façade of the main living area. Opening up onto a terrace, it bathes the room in natural daylight while offering mesmerizing views of the city, making it seem like the whole Ara’Kahr is trapped inside the apartment with her.

Frankly, Jim hates it.

She had managed to hide her distaste well enough yesterday while Sarek was giving her a tour of his new home, but now that she’s alone, she doesn’t try to control the grimace twisting her features. Everything’s too transparent and open, allowing no hiding places, leaving her at the mercy of the world’s judgment. Jim feels terribly exposed here and she resists the urge to rub her arms as she suppresses a shiver.

What could have possibly possessed Sarek to purchase this monstrosity is beyond her.

But then again, maybe this is the man’s very own personal way to cope. Maybe the constant view of the thriving new world around him is exactly what Sarek needs after a year spent in that golden prison of theirs. This much transparency makes Jim extremely uncomfortable in her own skin, but maybe this is what her Vulcan companion needs to heal from the trauma they’ve both been through. Maybe.

The sounds of footsteps approaching pulls her out of her thoughts and Jim turns her attention towards the two men entering the room.

“James,” Sarek greets her simply. “I was not expecting your visit.” Which isn’t really surprising considering that she had previously refused to accept Sarek’s offer to stay for the night, citing a need for space.

“Hi,” Jim smiles awkwardly, getting up from the couch.

Sarek tilts his head, staring at her curiously. She doesn’t know what it is he seems to see on face but, eventually, he turns to look at his assistant in order to dismiss him. “You may leave us.” Sorel nods respectfully and departs without another word.

Sarek waits until the sound of the front door closing reaches them before making his way towards Jim. He offers her two of his fingers, looking pleased when she makes contact with two of her own after only a short moment of hesitation. “Is everything alright?” he asks, not unkindly.

Jim nods and, hit by a sudden wave of weariness, she slowly puts her forehead against Sarek’s shoulder, letting out an appreciative sound when he clumsily folds his arms around her.

Despite the appearances, Sarek is plenty affectionate in his own way. Jim suspects that Amanda’s influence is to thank for that. Oh, he would never allow himself to be anything else but the perfect Vulcan in front of anyone else, including his family members. But in the privacy of his own space, he’s not afraid of meeting his human partners halfway and providing them with the emotional support that they seem to need.

It’s only logical, after all.

Over the months spent together, Sarek’s gotten better at comforting Jim. It’s still not perfect. He doesn’t know how to hug using his whole body and, at this point, Jim’s pretty sure he’ll never learn. His posture is always too stiff and straight, which makes it impossible to melt into his embrace completely. But he’s steady, a strong and reassuring presence letting Jim lean against him and wrapping his arms securely around her. That’s more than enough. Jim doesn’t think she would really appreciate a perfect hug from this man anyway, not when all these small imperfections of his are a testament of Sarek’s true and sincere desire to please her.

He’s trying for her sake, far more than she ever did for his, and Jim _loves_ him for it.

She loves him. Perhaps not in the way he wants her to, at least not yet, but he’s got a place in her heart, a piece of her that he’s earned through unrelenting kindness and endless patience. Truth is, Sarek still feels like he’s all she’s got left and Jim… doesn’t mind that. At least he stayed when others have left. He would offer the ultimate proof of his commitment to her if only Jim lets him. So Winona can say whatever she wants, but she doesn’t know this man, doesn’t know that he’s what’s kept Jim moving when she didn’t have the strength to stand on her own two feet anymore, that he’s kept her alive and sane when she was about to break.

She had needed Sarek then. She stills needs him now. The rest doesn’t really matter, does it?

Pulling back a little, Jim goes on her tiptoes and kisses her Vulcan companion tenderly, relieved when she feels him responding to her touch instantly.

“Hi,” she greets him again softly, sliding the palm of her hand against his and stroking the digits of their fingers together once more.

Sarek’s eyes are warm and pleased. Jim’s smile is just as affectionate as he puts a hand against the small of her back, pulling her further into his new home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, Spock still hasn't made an appearance and some of you probably want to kill me at this point, but BEAR WITH ME JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE. He's on his way and will interact with Jim soon. I promise.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this time it's really the last chapter of 2020. I've got nothing left in store, haha.
> 
> Enjoy your reading!

Watching herself have sex with Sarek for the first time is probably one the most surreal and bizarre experiences of Jim’s life.

Going through the surveillance footage on fast forward is easy enough. Jim only has to focus on the one room of the bunker where the beaming point is situated, which is the common area containing the kitchen and living room. Her computer is also simultaneously running some kind of facial recognition software to pick up any presence that might be different from hers and Sarek’s. Still, because their captors only used to beam down once the sleeping gas had leaked, their breathers act like a barrier which results into the program having trouble recognizing them as intruders. That’s a default she’s picked up on when the software failed to detect the Vulcan medic during the communicator incident, and so Jim is condemned to sit on her ass, fix a screen and relive a whole year of her life for kicks.

This is a waste of time, she’s certain of it. Sybok’s whole little surveillance team from Tarsus has already been arrested and Jim’s not going to find anything useful in these videos. This isn’t going to help, only interrogating the individuals currently in the custody of the Vulcan High Command will. But she made a promise to Winona and she intends to keep it.

So Jim sits and watches, and sits and watches, and sits and watches, until time itself seems to lose any meaning. It takes seeing the footage of her past self jumping into another Sarek’s arms to rouse her from her semi alert slumber.

A fond smile tugs at the corner of her lips. This was the first time she had ever hugged the Vulcan. Poor guy had been uncomfortable as hell and hadn’t known what to do with his limbs, but Jim couldn’t have cared less because she had just woken up from a nightmare and couldn’t find him anywhere and—… Oh.

_Oh_.

A tap of her finger and she stops to the fast forward, putting the video on normal speed instead.

Face flushing, Jim watches with bated breath as the other Kirk and Sarek start kissing each other. A part of her is horrifyingly reminded that every bit of any intimate moments she may have shared with the Vulcan has been recorded and probably put on display for their captors to enjoy. Men she loathes have seen her naked and in the throes of passion and that idea alone is enough to make her want to puke.

But for whatever reason, sheer curiosity is gaining fast on the nausea.

The Jim from the footage is definitely an active participant. She looks just as eager as her soon to be lover, avid for more and completely at ease with the life changing decision she’s currently making. This Jim is tired of being reasonable and wants to feel something other than fear or despair and, once things start getting more heated between the couple, she never once tries to reject Sarek’s advances. In fact, she’s laughing when he lifts her up and presses her lips to his for a searing kiss. This Jim is giving back as good as she’s got and when Sarek finally starts pounding into her relentlessly, the look of her face is nothing short of blissful and _relieved_ before she pulls on the Vulcan’s hair forcedly and kisses him again, hard and needy.

If she closes her eyes, Jim can still remember and feel the imprint of that kiss on her lips.

Head curling low in her stomach, she pauses the recording and leans her whole body against the couch, rubbing her forehead in frustration. Obviously, it’s time for a break.

Or maybe she should just go to sleep already. She had a long day, it’s late and she needs the rest. But she doesn’t feel tired so much as weary right now, worn out but not in the physical sense. In the end, she doesn’t move, just stares at the ceiling until her attention turns to the large glass windows taking up almost the whole façade of the living room.

“Computer,” Jim says quietly. “Common area: lower lights at 10%.”

Little by little, the luminosity of the room dims and Jim watches as her reflection on the glass nearly disappears, making way for the view of a city plunged into deepest night, a source of life painted across a starlit sky, illuminated only by a few artificial lights dispersed throughout the streets.

Jim puts her laptop aside and gets up from the leathery couch, walking towards the window with none of the aversion she had felt previously, only true interest mixed with maybe a little fascination.

“Computer,” she calls again. “Activate privacy feature: mirror glass.”

It’s practically imperceptible, but Jim can see the texture of the glass changing under her watchful gaze, its entire surface slowly being covered by some sort of granulated texture, hiding the view for just a second before it changes once more into a smooth and translucent window, now covered by an invisible layer of mirror effect.

That’s the first thing Sarek told her when she visited the penthouse. No one can see them. But they can see everything. It’s strangely… exhilarating.

Sarek’s voice coming from behind her nearly makes her jump out of her skin. “James?”

Startled, she turns around quickly, the abrupt movement making her hit her elbow hard against the glass. “ _Shit_ ,” she curses quietly. “Sorry. You scared me.”

Sarek lifts an eyebrow. “That was not my intention.” Then, looking in the city’s direction. “Am I to assume that your opinion on the décor has been favorably altered?”

A slight grimace twists Jim’s face. “That obvious, uh?” She rubs the back of her neck in embarrassment. “Well, I did try.”

There’s something extremely tender in Sarek’s expression as he stares at her. “Your good intention was noted and appreciated.” His eyes drop to the computer on the table, now put on standby after a too long period of inactivity. “I expected to find you resting by the time I concluded my affairs. May I ask what it is that seems to absorb your attention so?”

Jim swallows nervously. All Sarek has to do is touch the keypad and he would find himself subjected to their very own personal porn. “Just something Winona asked me to look over,” she answers vaguely. “I couldn’t sleep, so it keeps me occupied.”

Sarek hums with polite interest, the dimmed light of the room outlining his form and giving his tanned skin a golden cast. It makes him look even more refined than usual and, not for the first time, Jim is struck by the real physical attraction she holds for this man. She can't help but replay the surveillance recording in her head, remembering how the two of them had looked with their bodies so entangled together.

Arousal shoots through her so suddenly it makes her dizzy, a burning pressure building within her and spreading everywhere, delicious and terribly addictive.

Her voice breaks the calm and intimate silence that has settled around them. “Come here.”

Sarek looks at her for a long moment before taking a single step forward. Just one. He doesn’t pretend to misunderstand. “We would be more comfortable in the bedroom.”

Not breaking eye contact, Jim takes off her white top, pulls her pants and panties down and casually throws the clothes aside. Cool air instantly hit her bare skin, making her shiver. “You said it was just us,” she reminds the Vulcan, licking her lips in anticipation. “Prove it.”

Hungry black eyes pin her in place. Sarek moves without a word, opening the front of his robes as he does so. His stance is predatory, his hands possessive when they finally touch her and practically lift her against the surface of the window behind her, the warmth radiating off his body a sharp contrast to the coolness of the glass. It makes Jim tremble, makes her arch against the Vulcan, sliding a long leg over his hip that Sarek keeps right there with a hand under her knee. She feels deliriously needy as they kiss, opening her lips wider under his, shoving her tongue into his equally hungry mouth, her hands wandering aimlessly over his back before coming back to his front to unbutton his tunic. The fabric of the robes is thick and soft, exactly like those he used to wear in the bunker, and Jim fists both garments in one hand, pulling blindly to get rid of them completely. Never breaking the kiss, Sarek still lets her go just long enough to disregard his robes and tunic, revealing endless expanses of naked skin, and then his hands go back to touching her everywhere while Jim abandons his lips to mouth keenly at his neck and collarbone.

A long sigh of deep relish leaves Sarek as he presses her more firmly against the window bay, tilting his head back to give her more access.

Jim’s greedy fingers slide down his chest, racking the nails of one hand across the thick hair line in a move that tears a short grunt out of him while the other works quickly on his pants and pulls at it just enough until she finds the so deliciously familiar alien cock. Long and hard and already dripping with precum.

Just the weight of it in her palm pulls at something within her. Desire and desolation battling with one another, that same endless fight Jim’s been struggling with since that very first kiss that changed everything.

Sarek grabs her chin to lift her head and Jim just has to kiss those swollen and wet lips again, massaging his erection slowly, palming his balls with languid laziness just the way he likes. He lets out a low groan at her ministrations. “Welcome me into your body, James,” he demands with the air of someone who’s certain he won’t get rejected. And he’s right, Jim’s practically shaking with her need to feel this man inside of her.

It’s his next words that take her off guard.

“Allow me access into your mind,” Sarek says, this time pleadingly. “Let us become one, _Ashayam_.”

“No,” Jim answers breathlessly. “Not yet.” She bites his lower lip, teases his balls with enough pressure to rip a sound from deep within his chest. “Be patient.” She kisses him one last time, short and brief, before turning around in his arms and planting the sweaty palms of her hands against the window bay, canting her hips in clear invitation.

She hears Sarek taking the rest of his clothes off and, finally, his gloriously naked body is plastered all over hers. The Vulcan rasps his teeth punishingly alongside her shoulders, making gasp. “Very well,” he says breathlessly, positioning himself and taking what is so greedily offered to him with one, swift thrust of his hips.

“ _Yes_ ,” Jim hisses blissfully, one shaky hand reaching behind her to grab his buttocks, digging her fingers into his flesh, trying to push him even deeper inside and reveling in the long, perfect drag of his cock within her. “God, you feel so good,” she croaks out. His mouth latches onto her neck, sucking a bruise into the skin. “Shit.”

The weight of Sarek’s body soon has her entirely pressed against the glass panel, his fingers finding hers on the surface, his remaining arm wrapping itself around her, their limbs so entangled that they might as well be one. They certainly move together as such anyway, their forms undulating in perfect tandem, following a rhythm they’ve mastered long time ago now, two lovers intimately aware of each other’s needs.

“Don’t stop,” Jim begs between hard drawn breaths. “Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop—…”

Sarek gives out a throaty moan. He fucks her like she’s made for it, made for him, and Jim drops her head on his shoulder, watching the sight in front of her with breathless amazement.

No one can see her. No one can touch her. Jim is the observer now, safe in Sarek’s arms, hidden in the shadows while she contemplates the living world around her. The artificial lights illuminating the city. The bystanders walking blissfully unaware in the streets. The buildings surrounding them and standing tall and proud. The vast immensity of the universe existing beyond what her eyes can see.

The obscene reflection of their bodies lost in the realms of carnal pleasures, driven by something primal and visceral that she has no desire to control.

Life. That’s what Jim sees and feels all around her, small details forming a magnificent picture. It’s what strikes her the most, a sight that brings tears to her eyes and makes the hole in her chest disappear, if only for a short, blissful moment.

She watches it all through a blurred vision, and even as Sarek picks up the pace, crushing her sweat slicked body between his burning weight and the now fogging glass, his thrusts growing more erratic, his breathing turning into short, humid pants against her skin, his cock pulsing within her until she’s filled with his very essence, thick and warm and wet, something that has them both moaning in shared rapture, Jim keeps her eyes wide opened and can finally, _finally_ taste freedom.

* * *

“I find this insistence on waiting for an absent man whose whereabouts you know nothing of disconcerting,” Sarek says the next morning while they eat their breakfast together.

Jim hums noncommittally, taking small sips of her coffee, letting its taste and refreshing aroma slowly wake her up.

Apparently, Sarek needs her alert _now_. “James, I ask that you consider rescheduling your appointment with Doctor M’Benga at a most convenient date.”

Jim sighs. “No.” She presses her hand against the man’s mouth, cutting off the coming riposte. “Two weeks is the deal I made with my doctor. I still have 5 days left and I intend to wait for my friend until the very last one.” Sarek’s brows furrow in clear displeasure and Jim purses her lips. “This is non-debatable, Sarek. My body. My choice.”

“Very well,” he finally relents, extremely reluctant. “I won’t pretend to understand the logic behind this decision—…”

“And I wouldn’t expect you to,” Jim quips naturally.

“…—however, as you have judiciously remarked, the choice remains yours. I will respect that.”

“Thank you,” Jim smiles that shit eating grin she knows Sarek finds exasperating and laughs in amusement when the man predictably shakes his head and simply goes back to drinking his cup of tea.

Overall it’s really not a bad way to start the day, sitting in a comfortable silence while eating breakfast in pleasant company, her body aching agreeably after a good night and her mind at ease. It reminds Jim of their previous morning routine, the one she had come to appreciate and even look forward to when they were still in the bunker. Still, downright denying Sarek’s demands probably wasn’t the best way to go considering that she has a request of her own to formulate.

Well, there’s no time like the present. “Sarek?” Jim starts hesitantly. “I need you to speak to the High Command for me.”

Sarek stills. Jim has the feeling that, had it been anyone else, they would be choking on their toast right now.

When he snaps his attention back to her, something incredulous is swirling in his black eyes. “Whatever for?”

Jim leans across the table to grab his wrist, looking at him pleadingly. “I need you to convince whoever’s in charge to let me in on Sybok’s investigation.” Sarek’s bafflement turns into clear irritation and she quickly gets the words out, forcing him to listen. “Ever since I gave them my statement, they have rejected every attempt I’ve made to be a part of the search team. How can I plead my case if they refuse to meet with me?”

“James, we are both considered as victims of this affair,” Sarek points out sternly. “As such, our judgments are irredeemably compromised and cannot possibly help the course of the investigation. Moreover, you are an Earth citizen. You do not possess the necessary credentials or authorizations to work under the authority of the Vulcan High Command, even briefly.”

Jim bristles, not appreciating Sarek’s description of her. _I’m no one’s victim_. Swallowing back her bitterness, she continues. “Don’t forget that the High Command had nothing to do with our rescue. It’s _because_ of their ‘compromised judgments’ that our families ultimately found us despite everyone telling them that they should give up.” She shakes her head. ”And I’m not just an Earth citizen, I’m also a Starfleet Captain and—…”

“You know better than most that our planet’s diplomatic relations with the Federation have exceedingly weakened over the course of this year,” Sarek interrupts her. “You cannot use your status as a Captain simply because Starfleet has chosen to honor the Council’s request and willingly forfeited the authority to handle Sybok’s capture. Jim,” he insists. “What you ask is not conceivable.”

“Then _help me_ ,” Jim shoots back, looking at him intently. “You are about to be reinstated in the Council. You have the name and the influence. Soon, you’ll also have the right authorizations. All I’m asking is that you set up a meeting between me and the person I need to convince to have access to Sybok’s record. If it doesn’t work, then I’ll let it go and we’ll never speak about it again. I promise.”

_If it doesn’t work, I’ll just hack into their system_ , she adds silently. Jim doesn’t want to stoop to this level, but there’s only so much she can do if the other party won’t meet her halfway. They have the information that she needs, she has the drive they’re so obviously lacking. Sarek is her last chance at finding a reasonable compromise and she would rather not risk a diplomatic incident, but if it doesn’t work, well, at least she would have tried to take the legal routes.

Winona has warned her that hacking into the High Command’s security system is damn near impossible. Doing it without being detected even more so. But then again, Winona Kirk has never beaten the Kobayashi Maru before.

Sarek stays silent for a long moment. When he speaks again, his voice holds just the barest hint of defeat. “I cannot give you any assurances of success,” he says. “However, I shall discuss your stance with the High Command.”

Jim smiles brightly, shoulders slumping in great relief. Cupping the nape of Sarek’s neck, she presses a firm kiss to his lips. The Vulcan lets out an amused sound against her mouth, gladly indulging her, his hand coming up to trace her neck and jawline with soft fingers.

Jim keeps close even once they break apart. “Thank you,” she says, feeling truly grateful before kissing one more time. Another. Once.Twice. Brief, short and appreciative kisses that Sarek accepts favorably, the last one lingering just a tad longer. “Thank you, Sarek.”

Sarek nods, pleased with her obvious happiness. “I must say, it surprises me that you have asked for my help. As Spock was originally part of the rescue team, would it not have been more logical to reach out to him first?”

“Oh.” A pang in her chest. “Did you—… I mean—…” She clears her throat, leaning back on her chair and forcing her face into a perfectly neutral expression. “When was the last time you’ve seen him, exactly?”

Sarek brings his cup to his lips, considering. “2.7 days ago. We disagreed on a certain matter and he requested that I give him time to gather his thoughts.” Then, more uncertainly. “I am, perhaps poorly, attempting to respect his wishes. That is something I have failed to do on far too many occasions.”

Jim’s stomach twists painfully. “Sarek, Spock has left New Vulcan.”

The Vulcan frowns, slowly putting his cup of tea back on the table. “Explain.”

She doesn’t let herself look away. “I stopped by his apartment yesterday to talk to him,” Jim starts, voice miraculously steady. "And I stumbled upon a woman who’s apparently living there while he’s absent. She told me that he’s off planet for the time being and doesn’t know when he’ll be back.” Stomach twisting a little bit more. “I’m sorry.”

Just for a second, a veil of deep sadness falls onto Sarek’s features, but the expression disappears as soon as it makes an appearance to make way for a carefully disinterested mask. “Very well,” he says simply, tone betraying nothing. “I shall wait until he contacts me again, I suppose.”

Jim nods, dropping her gaze and taking a sip of her coffee nonchalantly. They don’t go back to the previous easy atmosphere that had surrounded them up until now, the ghost of her First Officer firmly standing between them, invisible but oh so heavy.

Sarek stands up. “I have a meeting with the members of the Council and should not return before noon.” He looks down at Jim. “Are you amenable to stay until then?”

Jim smiles. “Winona isn’t expecting me until later, so that works for me. We could have lunch together, if you have the time.”

Sarek nods, a spark of relief flashing through his eyes. “It would please me,” he agrees simply. Their fingers touch briefly before he leaves. Jim waits until the front door closes shut and lets out a long sigh of lassitude.

Will there ever be a time when the simple mention of Spock’s name alone won’t make her feel this bad? Jim certainly hopes so.

Appetite gone, she clears the table before going to the living room and making herself comfortable on the couch, laptop already on her knees. The idea of spending her morning visioning these recordings makes her want to bang her head against the wall, but beggars can’t be choosers. “Here we go,” Jim exhales as she lifts the screen.

Nothing.

A loud groan of exasperation escapes her. “Are you kidding me?” The battery’s dead and, of course, Jim’s completely forgotten to grab her charger before leaving the apartment. _Of course_.

Carefully considering her options – she could always make a quick stop at the other place and come back just as fast— she finally puts her laptop aside and makes her way to Sarek’s office. These things are pretty universal and, with some luck, she’ll find another charger hidden there.

After crossing through what seems to be the whole penthouse, Jim enters Sarek’s private room and immediately sets to work. As expected, the mahogany desk is perfectly neat and organized. The tidiness helps Jim greatly as she goes through the Vulcan’s things, opening drawers and office cabinets in her search. But nothing helpful comes up and, at some point, she’s just forced to admit defeat.

“Great,” Jim sighs wearily. The day hasn’t even started yet and she’s already done with this nonsense.

She closes the last drawer and makes a movement to leave when a file laying innocently on the desk catches her eyes. Well, no, it’s not truly the file itself that grabs her attention – the bland, camel color of the cover looks uninteresting at best and the thickness of folder is enough to give her war flashbacks of the worst of the Enteprise’s paperwork – but one particular piece of paper that peeks out from it is enough to make Jim pause at first glance.

Frowning, she pulls out said document from the folder and sucks in a sharp, disbelieving breath.

It’s a petition for pardon in Sybok’s name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays, everyone! Stay safe :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I know, it took me longer than planned to start of the second part of BtE. I'm so sorry for that. Truth is, I didn't manage my time very well and I recently lost my usb stick, which means half of what I had already written is gone. So. Not a great feeling. 
> 
> But first chapter's here and I'm hoping to update more regularly from now on (fingers crossed). Thank you all so much for all the support, it means the world to me.


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